Beautiful Things

[July 17th] 

Hello all. 

I would just like to clarify something from my last post. 

It's not like I get my self-esteem lowered all day, everyday. 

It's actually the opposite. 

My students are so sweet and are constantly complimenting me.

I get sweet notes on the board.

I'm reminded that I'm a good teacher. 

And I feel so loved everyday. 

Today, one of them said that he bet I had a lot of boyfriends in America since I was so beautiful. 

HA.  

Step up your game American boys. 

So all that to say, don't worry. I'm not depressed at all. 

It's actually the exact opposite...

I was talking to Sarah tonight about joy. I know, I know, I talk about it a lot. But seriously. It's a type of joy that I've never experienced before. I honestly have no idea how to explain it, but I'll try my best.

I like to laugh and have a good time. 

Who doesn't right? 

I would say that I am a generally happy person. 

But this summer I have discovered that being joyful and being happy are two different things... An argument that I *ironically* had with a friend right before I came to Cambodia. I argued that being happy and being joyful were the same thing. And he argued that happiness was a fleeting emotion. Boy, was I wrong. 

So this is me apologizing for my ignorance.

You won that debate. 

You know who you are. 

It's weird seeing yourself change. 

Now, when I laugh, it's from the heart. I have this feeling that bubbles up and out and overflows and I can't even imagine trying to contain it. It's really indescribable and the only thing I can really say about this feeling is that it's absolutely real. 

When I talk with the people here, I want to know them.

I have to be intentional.

I long to be intentional.

The relationships that I have built here are so real and pure and full of joy. 

Being in Cambodia has changed me. 

God has used this time to change me.

I've been away from family and friends and all other distractions. And no, I'm not hating on the people that I love. I just sometimes care too much about what other people expect of me and spend so much time trying to maintain perfect relationships with people. Therefore, God is put on the back burner. A lot. But He has revealed himself in so many ways here. 

I see clearer here. 

I feel more here. 

Being in Cambodia has help remind me what true passion feels like.  

God has given me a new spirit of joy. 

And I am forever grateful for it. 

Beautiful. 

That's definitely a word that I would choose to describe my life over here. 

All the sights, smells, sounds, and tastes come together to make one giant beautiful picture. Sure, they aren't all wonderful. The smell of durian makes me want to vomit, the garbage on the street is not appealing, the constant honking of tuk tuk drivers and motos give me headaches, and the taste of fish sauce is not my favorite thing in the world. But they are necessary pieces to the puzzle that makes up my summer here in the Kingdom of Wonder. And I wouldn't dare leave out any piece. 

Guess what. That's how God sees it too. 

We're broken.

And we reek with the sin. 

And we whine and complain. 

And we're bitter. 

But God chooses us. 

He takes the broken and smelly and ugly and dirty. 

He picks us up and dusts us off. 

And when we all come together?

We are his prize. 

We are beautiful. 

You make beautiful things out of dust. 

You make beautiful things out of us. 

Sorry that this post was all over the place.

I just have a lot of thoughts and I want to remember how I feel about everything. 

I don't want to lose it. 

I love you all so very much,

Cassie 

Shapes

Our second to last Monday of teaching is OVER.

Wow. 

Yesterday was wonderful. 

We woke up and went to church. Chanty taught the children and so Sarah and I were able to sit and worship in "big church." It was all in Khmer, but beautiful none the less. Sokhom told us the verses and subject matter of his lesson so we were able to get a grasp of it even though it was all in Khmer. He preached out of 2nd Corinthians and discussed what it means to build the church. 

After worship and then Bible class, we helped chop onions for lunch. Lunch was delicious and consisted of an omelette type thing and yes, you guessed it, rice. 

After lunch, Sarah and I were dropped off at the hotel where we immedieately began cleaning up the place. We had planned to hang out with Natalie all day and she was coming to pick us up so we wanted our home to be a little more presentable. Nothing wrong with that right? Plus, it had been a month and a week and we still hadn't swept our floors. No worries, it's now squeaky clean. 

Natalie came and got us and we headed to one of her favorite little coffee shops where she treated us to drinks and we devised a plan for the afternoon. We sipped on our drinks and came up with a list of activities. 

First stop? 

Thai massages. 

Natalie knew of a great place and so we made our way there. We arrived and decided on an hour long traditional Thai *full body* massage in a group room. 

It was heavenly. 

I had never gotten a massage before and I must admit that I'm a little sore today. But it rocked. And we only paid $8 for that thing. 

Ahh I love the prices here.

I don't want to go home and pay more. 

After our massages, we tried out a New Mexican restaurant for dinner. We got there and realized that it was more of a Chilean restaurant rather than Mexican, but it was delicious and it was so fun to be with the Hayes. *Andrew met us for dinner*  I feel like we've come so far from the Cassie and Sarah that they met that first week we were here in Phnom Penh. At least I hope we've changed and gotten better. 

After dinner, Natalie brought us home and showed us how to turn on our gas for our stove. Seriously y'all. She is a LIFESAVER. I have no idea what we would do without her. 

We said our thank you's and goodbyes and made plans to get together next weekend too. Natalie loves movies and I think I hear the theater calling my name. 

Hooray for Sunday! 

Monday is over now. 

Today we learned about shapes and prepared a type of presentation thing for our guests tomorrow. Mallory and Shanleigh are coming to spend the afternoon with us and just kind of experience "a day in the life of." It will be so fun and we are so excited! Some of the students also took Sarah and I on a type of field trip. We went to the Royal Palace, Wat Phnom, and Diamond Island. It was so fun and it just reminded me of how much I love them. Seriously. 

They are the best. 

On a different note.

I try to blog straight from the heart and literally just type what I'm thinking. Which is kind of a strange concept. I mean, it's like my diary is on the Internet and anyone can read it. Kind of weird. But I like having an outlet. And you don't have to read it if you don't want to. But the whole blogging concept is kind of strange...  

Anyways.

All of that to say that I'm completely honest in my blog.

Butttt I haven't been completely honest with you about a certain struggle. 

Two words. 

Body image. 

Believe me. I hate those words as much as you do. They are over used and over done. Every girls' conference has a lesson on it, every girls' class at church camp says the same thing, and *sadly* I get so tired of hearing Proverbs 31 recited to me every time I mention that I'm doubting myself.

I know I'm not supposed to care what I look like.

I know my beauty comes from what's on the inside.  

I know charm is deceptive. 

I know beauty is fleeting. 

I know that I'm supposed to be happy with how I was created. 

After all, I'm a daughter of the King. 

But the devil takes many shapes. 

And he constantly makes me hate my shape. 

From ballet class to soccer to cross country to volleyball to track to basketball to my week as a pole vaulter to swimming, I've never been "good" at any of it. 

I wasn't a tiny little ballerina. 

I scored 3 goals in my entire soccer career. 

I came in last. Every. Race. 

I was on C team for every sport all during middle school. 

I never even got off the ground as a pole vaulter. 

The list could go on and on. 

The point is that I've always doubted myself. 

I've never been good enough.

Or pretty enough.

Or skinny enough. 

Yes, it has gotten A TON better through the years and I've been able to laugh at myself. I'm confident in my character and in my morals and beliefs. I know how I want to live everyday and who I want to live my life for. But I would be telling a big ol' lie if I said I still didn't struggle with negative thoughts whenever I look into a mirror. 

Everyone does. 

We all have our good body image days.

We all have our really bad days. 

And being in Cambodia is no different. 

Maybe I thought being away from friends and pressures and America in general would help me forget that I sometimes hate the way I look, but sadly it hasn't. 

Satan knows how to get to me. 

And he does. 

Everyone here is tiny. And when I say tiny, I mean TINY. Sarah and I are taller than all of our students with the exception of like 3. It doesn't shock me anymore when the older women that we visit make comments about how my age and my size don't match up in Cambodia. I'm getting used to being referred to as big. When I'm offered two stacked plastic chairs to sit on instead of one, I've learned to not fight it. 

I just hate having to constantly tell myself that it's an entirely different world here and remind myself not to take it personally. Why should I have to remind myself. I should know. I should let it roll off my shoulders. These people are saying these things, but they don't mean them in an offensive way at all. But I take it personally and Satan gets in. 

But I'm learning. 

I just wanted everyone to know that Satan is a shape shifter and will do whatever it takes to get inside your head. 

Please don't think that I'm a girl that sits in her room and cries. Because I'm not. It's like I said before. People just have really good days and really bad days. And if you're human, you know what I mean. 

It's just sometimes harder to have good days when Satan keeps reminding you how easy it is to hate yourself. 

But that's when I just flip over to my favorite Psalm *34* and remind myself that when I look to God, my face will never be covered in shame. I will be radiant. And that's all that people will see. And that's all that matters. 

So here's to all the shapes out there. 

The different shapes I taught my students today. 

The different body shapes that people have.

And the people that God is shaping and molding us into the person he desires.

I pray we can stop looking around and comparing ourselves to everyone else. 

I pray that we can begin looking up. 

Because when we look to Him, our faces are not once covered in shame.

Or doubt.

Or insecurity. 

And it's then that we become absolutely radiant. 

Love you all to the moon and back,

Cassie 

Cambodia: 2 Cassie: 0

We just finished our fifth Saturday in Cambodia and our sixth Saturday abroad. Time flies when you're teaching English. And having fun too. 

We woke up this morning and made our way downstairs to use the wifi to FaceTime our families. The "White" side of my extended family *my dad's side since everyone's last name is White.. no I'm not racist* is all together and enjoying our annual White Family Vacation that we take every summer. I'm so sad that I'm missing it, but I was able to FaceTime them and say hi to everyone. It was glorious and I almost cried. I'm so incredibly blessed to have all 21 *with a baby on the way* of them play active roles in my life. It was such an encouragement to see them all and chat for a minute. My entire family *mom and dad's side* is full of love and laughter and incredible support. I would not be half the person that I am today if it wasn't for there constant encouragement. I am so blessed by my family. And while I'm on this subject, I would like to give a HUGE thank you to all of the encouraging emails and blog comments that I've gotten. I'm so grateful for each and everyone of you and it is so wonderful to have you all in my life. I could not have come to Cambodia without you and your encouragement is helping me live my life to the fullest here. 

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

So back to the story. 

After worship, we hit the streets with the students to hand out clinic visit tickets and evangelize. We set out with Sythourn, Cham Nan, Srun, Synat, Roth, and Kia. Instead of turning left and going to the neighborhood we went to last time, we turned right and entered a new neighborhood. It was still primarily Islamic and bustling with people. We maneuvered in out and in between the shack-houses ducked under clotheslines. We came to our first stopped and met with an elderly woman with a shaved head. The students had explained to us earlier that shaved heads are a sign of mourning and they would be shaved prior to a family members' funeral. We assumed she had just lost her husband and now lives with her son. The students spoke with her and answered questions she had about us. They taught us how to correctly say "my name is" and we introduced ourselves. She told that she was sorry that she didn't have any food to offer us, but we quickly assured we were just fine. We sat on her cot with her for a while longer and then said our goodbyes. We made our way to the next several houses but didn't really sit down and chat at any of them. Then we came across a woman sitting on her front porch with another younger woman. The younger woman was coining the older one.

Side note:

Coining is a medical practice here that consists of someone rubbing a type of medicated balm on your back, arms, neck, and chest. The balm is applied in a stripe-like pattern and then the metal lid of the medicine container is used to scrape over the lines repeatedly. The end results are red, tiger-like stripes all over your torso and healing from your ailment. *It seems to me like a "oh you have pain? Let's cause more pain somewhere else and take your mind of your initial pain" kind of thing...But that's just me* Our students are coined by Om *Khmer word for Aunt that we call Sokhom's sister* often for headaches and fevers and it looks extremely painful. 

Anyways, this woman was being coined because she had heart problems. She invited us to sit down and chat with her. The students explained to her that we were their English teachers and Christians. They told her that it didn't matter if she was Buddhist of Muslim, we love her anyways because Jesus loves us. In the middle of our discussion, a monk approached and the woman dug around for some Riel in order to contribute to the collection. She offered it and then bowed as he recited some kind of prayer in Khmer. It was very new to me and very interesting. After we visited for a while longer, we said goodbye and continued down the road. 

One of our lasts stop was at this hut where two women were preparing yams. They were very friendly and offered us a place to sit and rest. Roth immediately began evangelizing to them and Sythourn kind of filled me in on what was happening. He was telling them that we have no idea when we will die. Sythourn explained it to me as 

"We walk, walk,walk, but then we fall." 

We build up these huge lives for ourselves here and walk, walk, walk through life trying so hard to succeed by the world's standards, but then we end up falling. Things fail and crumble and whither away. We lose money and jobs and loved ones. We don't know how long we have here. We will die.

But that's what makes it so wonderful. 

We don't have long so we have to make everyday count.  

Life is just a vapor. 

It's just a breath.

Don't waste it. 

As I was watching Roth stand and tell these women how great our God is, I was flooded with emotion. *big surprise, I know* These students love The Lord so much and love sharing the good news. They have such compassion for people and it's an absolutely beautiful thing. 

Ahh heart to hearts and yams. 

I'm a fan. 

We finished up our walk and then headed back to the school. On the way back, Cham Nan began to ask us about peoples' faith back home. He asked if it was easy or hard to tell people about Jesus in America. Sarah and I struggled to find an answer. 

Yes?

No? 

We told him it wasn't hard because most people knew about him already. He kind of chuckled and agreed that it seemed a lot easier to do in America. 

I was immediately hit in the face. 

Again. 

Why was it so hard to evangelize in the states? Most people know at least a little about Christianity and yet, I find myself considering it to be awkward.

What?

My students are studying Bible in an Islamic neighborhood. Like 99.99% *exaggeration* of Cambodia is Buddhist and yet, my students still walk through neighborhoods. They still knock on doors. They still enter people's homes and sit in their rooms. They live and breath God and cannot wait to share him with people that have never even heard of him. 

If I have trouble teaching English to students that don't speak a different language but want to learn English, it's hard for me to imagine the difficulty of explaining an entire belief system to someone who has never even heard of Christianity and doesn't necessarily want to convert.  

We have it so easy y'all.

Why don't we take advantage of it more?

Once we got back to the school, Chanty drove us to the Russian Market so that we could meet Mallory and Shanleigh there and then just walk over to Dennis and Sharon's house. We arrived at the market and easily *unlike last time* with Shanleigh and Theary. We grabbed some more apples *Shanleigh was making an apple pie* and made our way back to the Welch's house. Theary let us help set the table and put the finishing touches on the meal she had prepared for us. She made lok lak *questionable spelling on that one* and chicken amok. Lok lak is a favorite of mine and Sarah's so we were pumped. The meal was DELICIOUS and Shanleigh's apple pie sealed the deal. It was a wonderful time of fellowship and discussion. 

After lunch we piddled around and then left to head to City Mall. We decided to catch the 4:00 pm showing of Despicable Me 2 at the movie theater. 

Now movie theaters are a tad different here. 

The tickets are priced between $3 and $5.

A small popcorn is rather big and costs $1.50. 

The seats are comfy and the room is HUGE. 

You have assigned seats and pick your spot when you buy your ticket. 

People wear heels and dresses to see a movie. 

People don't whisper during the movie. 

And I loved every part of it. 

Sure, we arrived to the movie theater 30 minutes early and found out that the 4:00 showing was sold out. And yes, we had to buy tickets for the 6:00 and kill 2 and half hours in a mall in Cambodia. 

But you know what? 

We had a blast.

We also learned that we are experts when it comes to killing time in a foreign mall. We may or may not have spent the majority of our time browsing the movie selection at the pirated movie store, as well as closely examining and guessing the content/ingredients of foreign snacks at the huge supermarket.

It was great.

The movie was incredible.

And the fellowship was wonderful.

Another beautiful Saturday spent with friends.  

I'm sure you're wondering why the title of this post is a score update. Well let me just tell you about it. I am currently suffering from some sort of eye infection. It's extremely painful and swollen and red and oozing yellow stuff... Yeah. Not too great huh? Sarah and I have many theories as to what it could be, but one of the theories is pink eye. There are several different types of pink eye and one type is caused by chemicals, pollution, or like excessive smoke. Well I'm around all of that 24/7 with all the pollution and trash burning and incense. So that may be it. Or maybe it's just an infection. 

Either way, Cambodia is still in the lead.

And I'm still trying to stay afloat. 

At least you can still stay afloat with one eye. 

Love you all,

Cassie   

Bittersweet Teeter-Tottering

[Written Friday the 12th]

Our week is over and that means only 9 more days of teaching. 

WHAT. 

My dad said it best today: 

"It seems like its been forever. But also like just yesterday. Weird."

Very true Dad.

It is weird. 

It's weird to think that I only have 19 days left in Cambodia. 

19 days left in the Kingdom of Wonder. 

*Yes that's the official slogan* 

I'm so excited to be home. 

To see my family.

And friends. 

And cat.

And eat American food. 

And sleep in my bed.

And lay out in the sun. 

And do nothing. 

But I'm going to miss Cambodia. 

I don't want to forget the taste of rice. 

Or the constant smell of insence. 

Or the 24/7 sweating.

Or fish sauce.

Or my students. 

Or the cold showers. 

Or all the naked babies. 

Or the the elderly with beautiful, toothless smiles.

Or tuk tuk rides. 

Or getting lost. 

Or how to speak the little Khmer that I know. 

Or Daniel and Cha Keo.

Or the sound of my students worshiping in Khmer. 

Or motorcycles stacked high with vegetables.

Or the smell of durian.

Or the insane traffic. 

The list could go on forever. 

The point is that I don't want to forget this place. 

I don't know what The Lord has planned for my future. 

Will I be back again next summer?

In a few years?

Will I ever return to Cambodia?

Will I see these sweet faces again?

I have absolutely no idea. 

When my students ask if I'm coming back next year or jokingly make comments like "well when you're here next time..." I'm torn. 

I don't know how to respond.

"Maybe."

"We'll see."

Would I come back if given the opportunity?

I love this place and these people more than words can say.

But could I do it all over again?

So this is me saying good night from a teeter-totter.

I cannot wait to be home. 

But I don't want to leave home.   

Love you all,

Cassie 

Find Me Somebody to Hug

Ahh I'm finally catching up in my blogging.

 

Falling behind in my blogging is starting to remind me of my year in cross country in 7th grade. I would always start out with a good pace and it always looked pretty good at the beginning. But then I would fall behind and come in last. Every. Single. Race. And no, that is not an exaggeration. Just ask my mom. 

So three cheers for catching up in my blogging. 

And three cheers for the fact that I am no longer in cross country.

Today is Wednesday and our second day back after our trip.

We requested Tuesday morning off so we could sleep in *until like 8* and then get some laundry done, as well as pay for our first month here in our condo. We got some chores done and then decided to be independent  and attempt to order pizza to have it delivered to the hotel. We researched it and grabbed a flyer off the front desk that advertised free delivery. It was the same restaurant that we ate at in Siem Riep and we knew how the sizes on the menu were deceiving, so we ordered 2 medium cheese pizzas to be delivered to our room. 

We were so proud of our communication skills *yes okay, they did speak English. But it was still hard, okay? Give us some credit* and waited excitedly for our pizza to arrive. 

Well it arrived. 

It. 

As in one pizza. 

Apparently they misunderstood my order of 2 pizzas.

So we did what any pizza-hungry person would do. 

We called and ordered again. 

And yes they knew who we were and asked why were ordering again. 

But guess what.

It was totally worth it. 

We ate every bite. 

After lunch and a quick nap, we were picked up by the tuk tuk to head to school. Cha Keo and Daniel were sitting in the back of the tuk tuk when we walked out of the hotel and they excitedly waved to us. I was so happy to see those sweet little faces. 

We made it to the school and hurried in. Everyone was so excited to see us and we were so excited to be back. My students told me how much they had missed me and I told them the exact same thing. I was so happy to see them all again. We practiced writing general sentences and all of their sentences had something to do with missing me. It was wonderful to feel missed. 

But it's kind of strange for me here sometimes. 

I'm a very affectionate person and I love giving hugs and being hugged and being close to people and just having that physical touch. Do you know what "love languages" are? If you don't, look it up and take the quiz. It's basically the different ways that you show love and the ways in which you feel most loved. Words of affirmation and physical touch are my top two ways to feel and show love. 

But here, there is absolutely no touching. 

It's very new to me. 

And hard. 

I just want to hug everyone and let them know how much I love them. But I can't because I would offend pretty much the entire population. 

So I turn to my other love language: words of affirmation. 

Well slight problem. I can't exactly communicate with them as much as I would like to. I can have really simple and seemingly shallow conversations and ask them how they are doing, but they will always answer "fine and you?" because that's how they've learned to respond in English. It's not their fault, emotions and feelings are just so abstract and so hard to explain. 

How do I speak to their heart?

How do I ask them how they are doing and let them know that I really mean it?

It's so hard. 

But I'm learning. 

I just want somebody to hug you know?

But I'm figuring out how to be more intentional in my relationships and more genuine in my conversations. And hopefully I'm teaching my students how to do the same. 

Tuesday ended and we were happy to get into our normal routine again. 

This morning came pretty early and we headed downstairs to wait for our ride. We made it to the school and I had my cup of coffee. I went into the classroom and began teaching. We talked about asking for favors and what a favor meant. I also explained the different ways you can ask for help. 

The vibes I was getting were not too comforting. 

They were having trouble understanding and they were tired. 

I was upset because I couldn't explain it and I had no idea how to. 

It was frustrating. 

I was discouraged. 

We struggled through some more attempts and then it was finally time for a break. 

I sat at my spot at the kitchen table and was quite upset.

I prayed for guidance.

The break was soon over and I went back in the classroom.

I made them come up and write sentences that were asking for favors. 

They seemed to kind of get it but I still had to attempt to explain a lot. 

The last student came up to the board and began to write.

He isn't too advanced in his English and he really struggles sometimes. He was asking his classmates for help in Khmer and they helped him organize and spell and get the point across. The end sentence was this:

Will you please come back next year and teach English?

Holy cow. 

And then it was all okay again. 

Yes I'm a really bad teacher sometimes.

But I love them so much.

And I am starting to realize that I am loved back.

I guess I don't have to have that many hugs after all.

This afternoon was much better and we worked on pronunciation and played a couple of games. I was encouraged again when Srun returned from his Provence *I hadn't seen him since last Wednesday* and cried out "I miss you so much" when he came into class. 

It will be okay.

Somedays, I can't teach. 

And that's okay.

My relationships are deepening.

And I'm absolutely praising God for that.  

It's 9:43 and Sarah is fast asleep.

I have no idea what I'm teaching tomorrow.

But everyday that I'm here, I'm learning how true Matt. 6:34 is. 

"Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself."

Amen. 

Blessings, 

Cassie 

Beyonce and Crying Behind Closed Doors

[Written Monday the 8th]

Hello friends!

It is currently 10:00 pm on Monday night. 

Late for us, I know. 

Tell me about it. 

We just got home from our vacation weekend in Siem Riep and we are exhausted. The normally 6 hour bus ride ended up taking like 11 hours. Okay so that might be a slight exaggeration, but it definitely took longer than it was supposed to. But we'll come back to that. 

Sunday we woke up and Sharon had Khmer coffee and warm banana bread waiting for us. It was glorious. Our tuk tuk arrived around 7:30 and made our way to Siem Riep Church of Christ for worship that morning. 

It was a pretty small church and the majority of the church was under the age of 12 I think. There is an orphanage nearby that is called Hanna's Hope and there are currently 32 children that live there and the majority of them attend *sit and squirm* church at Siem Riep Church of Christ. They are all so precious and we were able to hold some of these sweet babies during service. Worship was completely in Khmer *by the way, it's pronounced kuh-my* except for a few sentences of apology for it being all in Khmer. It was perfectly fine with us. We're used to having no idea what's going on. 

After service and class, we chatted with the congregation and Sharon introduced us to some wonderful couples. We met the McDonoughs who run a program here in Cambodia called The Ship of Life. Bill McDonough partnered with another man and founded Partners in Progress many years ago. PIP began Ship of Life and it's basically a giant boat that travels up and down the Mekong River and provides healthcare to people who are too poor to afford it. It's an absolutely amazing program and Bill and Marie-Claire are so precious. It was inspiring just hearing them briefly talk about what they do with the ship and for Cambodia's people in general. We also met Dan and Ravy *Rah-vee* Wilson. Dan is American and Ravy was born here in Cambodia. They both attend Sunset International School of Preaching in Lubbock but intend on graduating and moving to Cambodia by 2014. They are over here on an annual visit and are both studying at the Sunset branch here in Phnom Penh. They both care so deeply for the Khmer people and love this country. Before we met them, Mallory and Shanleigh told us all about them and she said it best: As soon as you introduce yourself to Ravy, you're instantly her best friend. And I love people like that. You want an example of people with big hearts, come meet this incredible couple. 

After chatting for a bit Ravy and Dan joined the 6 of us for lunch at The Blue Pumpkin. It was a wonderful lunch and we ended up staying there for another 2 hours just talking and encouraging one another. 

Marie-Claire was going to be leading a Bible study for the women at the church at 3:00 so we decided to surprise her and encourage her by also attending. We tuk tuked *new made up verb that refers to riding in a tuk tuk* back to the church and hid upstairs until she arrived. We tiptoed down the stairs and surprised her. She was so excited and we spread out to sit with the other women there. Of course, all of these women look like they are my sister's age, but most of them end up to be older than me. Marie-Claire taught about right verses wrong and how we know how to tell the difference between what the world is telling us and what God tells us. It was a wonderful lesson *taught in English with a translator* that definitely stepped on some of my toes. 

After the lesson, Ravy was asked to pray in Khmer. She apologized in advance and explained her lack of confidence in her Khmer *she doubts herself, but speaks wonderful Khmer* and then began praying. As she prayed, she started to cry and it was the kind of crying that came straight from the heart. I had no idea what she was saying, but it was beautiful. 

When she was done, we all headed outside to meet our tuk tuk. I hadn't even made it out the door when I was overcome with tears. Like I seriously could not stop crying. I wasn't sobbing, but if I had let myself, I would have right there. I was trying to hide it so people wouldn't think I was super unstable, but Theary quickly ran up to me and asked if I was okay. I tried to explain what was happening the best I could, but I didn't even know where to start. 

People are so beautiful. 

And sometimes I can't handle it.

Ravy spoke straight from her heart.

I had no idea what she was saying.

But it was so pure, and wonderful.

And I love people with big hearts. 

So yeah. Call me emotionally unstable.

At least I'm happy. 

I got my act together pretty quickly and then we hit the tuk tuks to head back to the hotel. We napped for the rest of the afternoon and then Sharon surprised us with tickets to a dinner show at 7:30. We arrived and walked into a giant dinning hall that was lit by lanterns and had super tall ceilings. The stage was huge and was at the front in the center. There were a million wood tables and a HUGE Khmer buffet off to the side. This place was pretty fancy. Theary guided us around the table and explained what different dishes, fruits, and veggies there were and we piled our plates high. We got back to the table and settled in to see the shows. It was such a fun show and we laughed and cheered and sat in awe of all the dancers. We stuffed our faces and then the show was over. 

We tuk tuked back to the hotel and decided to walk over to the night market again to get some much needed exercise after dinner, as well as pick up the last of our souvenirs. We chatted and laughed and had a great time together. We left around 10:00 and as we walked across the bridge, the lights turned off at the market to indicate closing time. We shut that market down, y'all. 

It was so fun. 

The next morning we woke up and Shanleigh, Sarah, and I met Sharon and Theary at a coffee shop they had found earlier that morning. Free wifi and air conditioning enticed us and we sat there for an hour, sipping our coffee and enjoying our social media. We finished our coffee and stalking and walked back to the hotel to pack. We packed and then walked around a corner to a cute little place called Upstairs Cafe. Seriously, it was the cutest thing in the world. We had a wonderful brunch and then met the bus station's shuttle back at our hotel. We picked up some more people and then headed to the bus station. As we were driving, our phone rang and I answered. It was the hotel and apparently they forgot to charge us for 3 nights. We registered *and thought we paid because we gave our credit card number* for 3 nights on their website and then 1 night on a travel website due to lack of room and space and blah blah. So basically a tuk tuk with the manager was racing to meet us at the bus station before our bus left.

It was like some kind of action/horror film that takes place in a foreign country.

We got to the bus station and were ushered over to our bus. The bus that they were telling us to get on did not match the one on our ticket and so Sharon and Theary were trying to figure out if this bus was even going to Phnom Penh and we were trying to keep the men from taking our luggage and putting it on the wrong bus. We were also keeping our eyes peeled for the tuk tuk with the manager on it. Theary tried to get the bus driver to wait for us until the tuk tuk arrived... 

Talk about a high-stress situation. 

We figured out the bus was going to Phnom Penh and our tickets weren't right but it didn't matter. The tuk tuk arrived at the very last second and we rushed him the money and jumped on the bus.

It.

Was.

Insane.

We survived and were on the road in no time. 

The next 6 hours were filled with Khmer music videos that told all about heartbreak and a whole lotta unfaithfulness on the wife's part. We had no idea what the songs were saying, but you could learn a lot by just watching them. Shanleigh and I had a lot of fun commentating and when the whole selection *like 30 or more songs* started over, we knew which ones were our favorite. Surprisingly, there were like 6 songs in English. They included Beyonce, some rap songs, Shakira, Jennifer Lopez, Justin Bieber, and Pitbull. As we sat and watched these familiar songs, I found myself feeling more and more uncomfortable. There was a HUGE difference between the Khmer songs and the English songs. The Khmer culture is extremely different from our culture back home. Girls are always very modest and hardly ever show skin above their knee. There is absolutely no signs of public affection between sexes. Boys can hold hands with other boys and girls can hold hands with other girls in order to show friendship, but there is no hand holding between couples. Not even if you're married. Some of the Khmer music videos were risqué and showed couples almost kissing, but there was always a new scene before they actually kissed. 

Compare that to the minimal clothing, bumping, grinding, and extremely sexual nature of our wonderful American music videos and you find yourself in a very uncomfortable position as an American who is a Christian. 

Me on the bus:

I sat and watched and prayed that it would switch back to the Khmer songs because I was feeling so ashamed. I was embarrassed to be a foreigner on that bus because I did not want to be associated with that behavior. 

Me at home on a normal day:

I love riding in the car with the windows rolled down, blaring all the new music on the radio, and singing at the top of my lungs. I love knowing all the new songs and learning all the lyrics so I can prove to everyone that I know that song and love it. 

Polar opposites huh?

I have never seen our pop culture from the other side and let me tell you, it was an awful experience. Don't get me wrong, I know when songs are not portraying a desirable message and when they are encouraging almost everything that I, as a Christian, am against. But I just tell my conscience to shut up and then go on blaring the song. 

Um what? 

I've always heard people talk about the trashiness and immoral behavior in today's music, but sheesh. It was so clear on that bus. 

And I was so ashamed to be from a society that supports that behavior. 

Please don't misunderstand me or take offense. I absolutely love music and still love music and will continue to love music. And I realize that not every popular song is bad and I'm not trying to hate on modern day artists and musicians. 

I had just never been on the other side before. Now that I'm living in a new culture and have become accustomed to a new way of life, I just see things from a different perspective. And it's a love/hate thing. I love having a new perspective and seeing my life differently. But it's kind of awful at the same time. You get your toes stepped on a lot. And it hurts. 

It rained a lot on the way home.

And when I say a lot, I mean a lotttttt. 

The bus driver started pulling over at different places a long the road and would let random people on our bus. There weren't enough seats so people sat in the aisle and stood by the door, but he would just keep pulling over and offering rides.

This was a very strange concept to me. These people didn't pay for a ticket. These people weren't even on their way to Phnom Penh. But they still kept getting picked up and dropped off along the way. Something like this would never happen in America. The good ol' Citylink has a tight schedule and makes no exceptions. But here I was watching a certain song being applied to real life. 

If our brother's in the road, we will stop and pick him up.

If our sister's in the road, we will stop and pick her up. 

 

You know the one you would always sing in Bible hour and it has those great hand motions? If you don't, just go find any person that was raised in the Church of Christ and have them sing it to you. 

Anyways. 

How cool is it that people actually do that?

People actually stop and pick their brothers and sisters up instead of just singing about it. It's not hard to open a door and let someone in. It's not hard to help someone get out of their own personal downpours. All you have to do is slow down and open the door. It was a really neat experience and I'm so glad I got to see it. 

One more story from our bus adventure. 

NOTE: THIS NEXT STORY IS CENSORED TO THE BEST OF MY ABILITY. IF YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH BATHROOMS IN A FOREIGN COUNTRY, PLEASE SKIP AHEAD.

 

I accomplished something great today. 

I used a "squatty potty" for the first time. 

Definition of a Squatty Potty: A hole in the ground that you use as a toilet. 

Yes. 

That is correct. 

Cassie White, queen of hygiene, used a squatty potty at a bus pit stop in the middle of Cambodia. And lived to tell the tale. 

I've been trying to stay super hydrated *because I sweat 24/7* and so that means drinking a TON of water. I had gone through like a liter and a half on the bus and was in dire need of a bathroom. Well we stopped at a pit stop *shack-awning-like structure where people sell questionable food and there is a bathroom* and I made a beeline for the bathroom. The "bathroom" was an outdoor hallway with metal stalls on either side. 

I looked in the first stall... no porcelain. 

I looked in the next stall... no porcelain.

It took me a few more stalls to realize that there were no white, shiny commodes in the vicinity. That's when I realized it was do or die. So I stepped in and didn't look back. Or down. 

I won't go into too much detail, but it was the most disgusting experience of my life. A couple of tears may have been shed. *hence the blog title: ...Crying Behind Closed Doors* And I used basically my whole bottle of hand sanitizer. 

I walked out and the girls were standing outside the hallway clapping for me. It was a big deal. And I was proud. 

We finally made it home and Theary made sure our tuk tuk driver knew exactly where he was going so we wouldn't get lost. Again. We said our goodbyes and made our way back to the hotel. 

We arrived safely and now here we are. 

Home sweet home. 

This weekend was an absolute blessing. From the beautiful fellowship, to the new friends that we met in Siem Riep, to the relaxation, and to the new, eye-opening experiences.. it was all wonderful. I'm so grateful for Sharon, Theary, Mallory, Shanleigh and Sarah. And I'm so grateful for new experiences and even bigger eyes. 

I don't know how many more eye-opening experiences I can have though... my eyes are getting pretty big. 

Just kidding.  

I'm loving the fact that my eyes are opened daily. 

Love you all so so SO much,

Cassie

Roots

Friday and Saturday in Siem Riep have come and gone.

And have both been wonderful days.

Friday morning, we woke up and headed downstairs to meet for breakfast. Well apparently our guesthouse's cook was busy... so no breakfast. We headed down the street and decided to grab breakfast at a pastry shop called Blue Pumpkin. It's a chain here in Cambodia and it is delicious. We had quiche and toast and fruit and eggs and lots of water and Khmer coffee of course. Then Sharon headed back to the hotel *she was still recovering from being sick last week* and we took a tuk tuk with Theary to the Cambodian Cultural Village. 

Once we got there, we explored the village and took MANY pictures of ourselves and the different displays. Then we watched a traditional Khmer dance and story telling program. After that we explored some more, shot some arrows at an archery station, and then headed over to another pavillion to watch a traditional Khmer wedding ceremony. And guess what. mallory was selected, out of the audience, *we draw attention to ourselves due to our skin color* to be the groom's mother. 

It was HILARIOUS.

She had to sit up on stage with the whole wedding party, the couple, the other parents, and the officiator *I don't think that's a word* person. Then she had to participate in the blessing of the couple, as well as the couple's "first dance." It was so funny and we laughed right a long with the crowd. 

After that show we still have 5 more hours of optional shows.. but we were exhausted. The heat wears you out completely here. 

We felt bad about leaving, but we were at that point where everyone was irritable and ready to lie down. So we headed back to the hotel and napped for 4 hours. 

After nap time we made our way down to the river and to a pizza joint and then next door for ice cream after. It was so wonderful. After dinner and dessert, we walked across the river *by bridge of course* and shopped for a long time in the night market. It was so fun! 

Plus all my souvenirs are now taken care of. 

Annnnd I've gotten pretty good at haggling. 

After the night market, we went back to the hotel and hit the hay. The next day was going to beat us down if we weren't careful. 

We all woke up around 4:15 am Saturday and made it downstairs by 4:35. We hopped in the tuk tuk and drove out to the Angkor Wat Temple complex. We *along with the rest of the world* made it to the front of Angkor Wat just as the sun was beginning to rise. The scene was breathtaking and everyone was scrambling to get the best shot with their camera. Listening to all of the accents was so fun and so humbling. I am so small and the world is so big. It's crazy.

After sunrise we set off to explore the actual temple of Angkor Wat. We explored for a long time and took a lot of pictures. After about and two hours, we made our way to some little shops and food carts by the front gate. We shared fried rice and fruit at 7:30 am and it was delicious. 

Once we were rejuvenated, we got back in the tuk tuk and rode to another temple in the complex. This one was called Bayon and is famous for it's huge faces carved into the rock. We explored, took a ton of pictures, and weaved in and out of tour groups. 

Once we were done, we waited for our tuk tuk driver by the gate of Bayon. 

That's when the monkeys came. 

It's so weird to see monkey's strolling along.

Not in a cage. 

It's kinda scary.

Especially because they are not afraid to steal food *or anything that resembles food* right out of your hands. This was demonstrated when Mallory opened her peanut butter crackers and a monkey jumped on her back in a attempt to grab the crackers. 

Monkey's are aggressive.

And their aggression is real.

Our tuk tuk driver finally showed up and we headed to the last temple that we had on our list. *I maybe making it seem like we rushed through the temples, but we didn't at all* The temple is called Tom Prong *I might have spelled that wrong* and it's one of the most famous ones. I'm sure you've seen pictures of it. It's the temple that is being eaten by trees basically. It was also where part of Tomb Raider *one word?* was filmed. 

And it was my favorite. 

The roots are basically engulfing this temple.  

I took a million pictures *see link to the right or my facebook* and loved the contrast between the dark stone, the green moss, and the tree roots. It was breathtaking. 

We spent a long time there and then decided to head back and rest from our long day. We stopped for lunch and then made it back to our comfy beds and had a nice long nap. After resting, we made our way back to the night market and participated in our very first fish pedicure. 

You know.

The tubs of water that have a million little fish swimming around and you stick your feet in there and they all swarm to your feet and eat the dead skin off?

Yeah.

That's the one. 

It was $2 for 15 minutes.

And it was crazy.

It was the weirdest feeling ever and I can't describe it. 

We laughed and squealed the whole time.

Then we headed inside and got a foot massage, back massage, and pedicure.

All for $5. 

I love the prices here.

We shopped around some more and further depleted our money supply. We realized it was 9:00 pm and decided that we should eat dinner so we stopped at a food truck that made gyros. They were AMAZING and I probably could have eaten 15. 

Seriously.

We made it back to the hotel and somehow climbed the stairs to our room. Exhaustion took over and climbing into bed never felt so good. 

As I was observing the temples today, I had a revelation.

Surprise right?

I can't move mountains. 

I cannot physically push a mountain 3 feet to left.

I can't wake up and change the world.

I can't go to a different country and change it all. 

But.

I can wake up and pray for wisdom. I can ask for and grow in a faith that can move mountains. I can ask for patience and gentleness. I can go to a different country and show people how much God loves them. I can be one small light. 

And that is enough.

I am enough.

The point is that I can't do anything by myself. 

But when I ask for help, pray for guidance, and accept direction, that's when things begin to happen. That's when mountains start moving.

That's when walls fall down. 

I thought I could go out and change the world. 

That's always been my goal.

I wanted to be able to say:

Look at me! 

I changed the world!

Wrong. 

I can go out. 

I can be used as a vessel.

I can be used to make a difference.

But it's not my doing.

It's not about me at all. 

God changes the world by using His people. 

God illuminates the darkness through His children.

God moves mountains.

And he crumbles temples. 

Man can build beautiful things.

Kingdoms.

Empires.

Temples.

Man can also build himself up.

I am great.

I am rich.

I am successful.

I am God.

Well guess what folks.

Our God is greater.

Buildings weather away.

Roots destroy temples.

And He tears down.

He will humble you so fast, it isn't even funny.

Nothing lasts in this world. 

So all that to say.

I can't change the world by myself.

I shouldn't want to. 

But God can absolutely use me.

Yes, the temples were pretty awesome today.

But God is greater. 

He has revealed himself throughout history. 

He was present then.

He shows up daily.

And He will provide forever. 

Want proof?

Just look at the roots. 

And yes, that was in reference to the temples as well as history.

Love you guys and gals,

Cassie