Inner Dolphins

[Tuesday June 11]

Well it's 3:00 and the class is on break and Sarah and I are mid breakdown. 

This homesickness thing is real life y'all. 

Srey Nam was talking to us earlier about missing our moms. My tears were in my throat. She said she went to the Philippines for a week and said she was so homesick and that she couldn't imagine being here for 7 weeks. But then she said that her mom is now living in the states and she misses her so much.

It's comforting to know that Sarah and I are not alone. 

I've always heard people talk about culture shock but I just assumed it to be that eye-opening experience that you get when you drive down the streets and it's really dirty and everyone is poor. [Harsh, but I'm being completely honest] And yes that is part of it, but culture shock is more of learning how to step into something that has been the same way for a lonnnnnnng time. This culture has been functioning and deepening for many many MANY years and I'm just now showing up. 

It's so weird to feel like you don't matter.

Don't get me wrong though. Worth is completely different from whether you matter or not. Or to me it is anyway. I don't know if any of that makes sense. Oh well. 

Anyways, here's an analogy:

So everyday lunch is prepared on the mats on the floor. A bunch of people help and everyone sits around and speaks in Khmer to each other. They are laughing and joking around... all in Khmer and Sarah and I have NO idea what is happening. And they don't care. They care about us as people, but whether we understand what is happening or not doesn't necessarily matter to them. Culture is the same way. It's a continuing process and you just kind of have to jump in. It's like what I talked about in my post about the kitchen table life. It's all about effort.

EFFORT.

So all of this to say that yes, we are homesick and it's such a real feeling. I don't think we necessarily thought about being homesick before we came. Or at least I didn't. But it's real and it's an adjustment. I'm so bad at adjusting. But you know what? I am absolutely learning how to do it better that's for sure. And I don't want you guys to think we're miserable. Because we aren't. AT ALL. It's so wonderful here and the people are all so beautiful. It's just hard not to miss home. But we keep having to remind ourselves that it is ONLY the second day. SECOND DAY. This is a lot like having endorphins. 

Or INNER DOLPHINS as I like to call them.

*cough* blog post title *cough* *cough*

It's a marathon not a sprint. It's a daily thing. At first you hurt and you question. But once you get into a rhythm, it becomes natural. 

And the whole culture shock thing?

You can choose to be the outsider that drives by and points and the person that sits in a chair on the outside of the mat. Or you can get out and walk on the sidewalk. You can take off your shoes and join the people on the map. 

I just keep having to remember that. 

So 3 cheers for our inner dolphins. They'll get the rhythm soon enough. 

Love always,

Cassie 

*Side note: my class remembers how to say it because it sounds like taxi*