I'm Back Y'all

Woah.

I haven't done this in a while.

So it's been 6 months since I landed in Houston, TX after the summer that changed my life. I had no idea that it had been "the summer that changed my life" when I got home. Shoot, to be honest I was unbelievably grateful to be home. The idea of eating food that wouldn't make me sick and sleeping in my own bed BY MYSELF [love you Sarah] and wearing shorts and laying in the sun and getting to talk to friends/family even in the absence of a wifi connection... [gasp] It was all so comfortable and I was enjoying the comfortable. But the more I talked about it to people and the longer I laid awake at night thinking about it, the more I missed Cambodia. I missed the traffic jams and Srey Nang and the obnoxious honking of motos and the tuk tuk rides and rice and the smell of incense and the half naked babies and sometimes [on rare occasions] I even missed fish sauce. Only sometimes.

Then school started and it was hard. I had just experienced this incredible, life-changing summer and I couldn't explain it to people. I couldn't find the words. At first I just thought my "homesickness" was temporary and I was still on a "mission trip high." So I waited for it to pass and continued my busy lifestyle. But here we are, 6 months later and thinking about Cambodia is bringing me to tears.

Life got hard when I got back. Sure, the first month was beautiful. I was reunited and rejuvenated. Family and friends reminded me of how blessed I am. But then routine happened. In Asia it was so easy to need God because, shoot, we didn't really have anyone else [in the beginning at least]. But here in America, I have incredible friends, a supportive family, a wonderful church, and a great community to rely on and go to with my problems. It's hard to talk to God when I have a million other people waiting to listen to my problems and give me advice. When I get lonely, I can just open the door to my dorm room and walk 3 feet to my friend's room or I can shoot a text and have an instant response. Don't get me wrong, I'm so very grateful. But it's incredibly hard to need God here.

[gasp]

Did she just say it's hard to need God here?

Yes. Yes I did.

It's hard to explain.
But here it is in one sentence:

I'm more of the person I want to be when I'm not here, living my comfortable life.

So
[drum roll please]
I've decided to go back.

ACU Halbert Mission Institute is offering a 3 week Missional Adventure in Discernment. There are 4 different trips that include "tours" of North America, South America, Africa, and Asia. I'll be joining the Asia team which will be led by Larry Henderson himself. It is a team of 6 and we will be visiting multiple mission locations in Thailand, Laos, and Cambodia.

My parents weren't too thrilled with the idea of me going back at first. I was annoyed and a little hurt by this. Why wouldn't they support me if this is what I want? But mom and I had a little chat on Seawall Blvd. in Galveston, TX and she explained to me the "fear factor" [no, not the show]. They're my parents and it's their job to protect me and they can't really control the level of my protection when I'm halfway around the world. I get that. I really do. And I absolutely respect them.

But what kind of life are we called to live?
A life full of fear?
Or
A life overflowing with joy and a heart that is on fire for God?

I know which life I want to be living.



Do I want to pursue a life in missions? I'm not entirely sure yet.
And to be quite honest, it scares me a lot to think about.

But I do know that no one who runs to Him loses out.

So all that to say I'm asking for prayers and support and encouragement.
I can't wait to embark on this new adventure.

So so SO much love,
Cassie



If you would like to make a donation towards sending me back to Asia:

• You may make a donation to my Paypal account
• Go to www.paypal.com 
• Click "send" at the top of the screen
• Enter my email (cjw11b@acu.edu)
• Enter the amount you would like to donate

• You may send in a check 
• Address envelope to Hillcrest Church of Christ 
•  650 E Ambler Ave, Abilene, TX 79601
• Include note in envelope saying that it is for me

• Or you can hunt me down and find me :) 

Again, anything helps. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

See You Latter

So I've spent the last couple of weeks writing and rewriting and agonizing over my last few blog posts. Every time someone would mention something about my blog, I'd cringe and make some comment along the lines of "I know, I know, I still have like 5 more posts to do..." or something like "I'm so behind..." And tonight I came to a realization.

So what?

Why on Earth am I treating it like a burden?

Anyways, sorry for that 2 week-long break.
I just had to get over myself.

Here we go.

I'm home.
Y'all I'm home.

Saying goodbye was absolutely awful.
I wasn't prepared for that feeling in the pit of my stomach. That feeling that reminded me that this might be the last time I see these beautiful faces. Yes, there were many tears as I hugged Srey Nang and told the boys how much they meant to me. Yes, there were tears as Tolah drove Sarah and I to the airport Wednesday morning. And yes, there are a couple on my cheek right now.

The boys flooded Sarah and I with encouragement, well-wishes, letters, compliments, and prayers. As I sat at the school on Tuesday night, I looked around at all of my new friends. I studied each face to make sure it was forever engraved in my memory and listened as they sang "Amazing Grace" in English. And with all of their heart.

I listened and reflected on each word.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost, but now I'm found,
Was blind, but now I see.

T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils, and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

When this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

When we've been there ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.

This trip has been incredible. I was able to rediscover God in every aspect and moment of my life. My eyes have been opened; I can see. It was hard. I was scared. But God took care of everyone of those fears. I was blessed when I felt so distant from everything dear to me. It was then that I was able to feel the embrace of the One most dear to me. God reveled himself to me daily. Through my students, at the whiteboard, and even in the afternoon monsoons. He has kept me safe and secure and he will continue to do so until I reach home in Texas and then home in Heaven. He'll lead me home. His word became so clear this summer. I felt secure. I was blessed as I became content with who I am-no more, no less. I'm discovering myself to be a proud owner of everything that can't be bought. This joy and comfort and dependency and absolute love cannot be bought. No way Jose. My body will fail. People will let me down. I will disappoint people. But God will never let me down. I have my whole life and then forever to praise him. And I cannot wait.

I don't know why I'm so in love with such a dirty and broken country.
It might have something to do with the fact that Cambodia kind of reminds me of us.
We are dirty.
We are broken.
And God is so in love with us.



I can't believe it's over.
I'm so grateful to have something that makes saying goodbye so difficult.
My love for these people and this country is incredible and something I will cherish forever. I was shown God's love in a whole new way and I am absolutely grateful for the opportunity.

It's so funny how God is present in every aspect of your life.
Words are incredibly important to me. They are how I show and feel love. Isn't it funny how God planned on my summer being full of words? Who knew I would be teaching English right? I sure didn't, but I know He did that just so I could be reminded of how much He ADORES me. Everyday was bursting with English words, Khmer words, vocabulary words, scripture, encouragement, yes even miscommunications, words of life.. My cup is overflowing y'all.

Thank you for keeping up with me and genuinely caring about my sanity, safety, well-being, happiness, growth, and everything else you worried about. I thank you immensely for the encouragement and comments on posts and emails and Facebook messages. I felt the prayers and relied on your support. I appreciate you all putting up with my blog and all of the ranting, rabbit trails, dramatic nature, and my sometimes diva-attitude. I love you all and couldn't have done it without you.

Below is the list that I have been adding to throughout the summer. Some are serious and some are just stupid. They are basically just summaries of my previous blogposts and I hope you enjoy reading them. I also typed the letter that I received from my student, Srun. I typed it exactly how it was written *spelling and all* but I will decipher it for you. No worries.

Things I learned in Cambodia. 


Hospitality isn't judged on how great your dinner parties are: I've grown up thinking that when the Bible talked about being hospitable, it was talking about how you need to let people sleep on your couch when they were in town and without a place to stay. Or that you needed to have people over 3-4 out of the 7 nights in the week. Or that people could tell how hospitable you were by the extravagance of your dinner parties on the back patio. Well guess what folks. That's not how it works at all. I've been taught that hospitality is all about making someone feel at home. It's about making someone feel like they are loved. I was shown genuine hospitality through the constant invitation into people's homes, huts, shacks, or even just on their mat with them. Even though they may not have even had enough, I was constantly offered food or water or the shade from the hot sun. I was humbled by hospitality daily.

If your tuk tuk driver tells you he knows where he's going, there is a 92% chance that he's lying: People in Phnom Penh are really bad with directions and so the tuk tuk drivers rarely know how to get places. If you tell them you want to go somewhere and they say they can take you there, they probably have no idea where they're going and will then proceed to drive you around for an hour hoping you'll yell "CHOP" *stop* and hop out and pay him. It was always an adventure. 

Sour Soup is not your friend: Simple as that. It's gross.

God picks the most unqualified so you have to depend on him: I had no idea what I was doing and I had no one to tell me how to do it. I had to lean COMPLETELY on God. My whiteboard prayers and God's obvious arrival became daily.

Fish sauce is in everything and only smells bad when it's being cooked: Fish sauce is basically liquid fermented fish and Cambodia loves fish sauce. Seriously. It's in everything. While it's cooking, you want to die. But if it's cooked into something, it's delicious *usually* and you're shocked. We kinda have a love-hate relationship.  

Makeup-free living rocks: No makeup is the way to go.  

Sweat is a friend and should be appreciated: I have never had sweat literally dripping down me, but Cambodia-life is different and dripping sweat is a daily occurrence. I've been told that it detoxifies you and makes you healthier and blah blah. So three cheers for my new friend, sweat.  

Afternoon storms are a wonderful blessing and cool you off tremendously: It is hot hot HOT and rain makes everything better. And it's fun to go run and dance in. Simple as that. 

Don't eat the ice: If it has holes in it, *like an ice cube* it's safe. If it's crushed, RUN AWAY. Or prepare to be throwing up and in bed for 3 days. 

Students teach the teacher about 98% of the time: I like to think that I taught them like 2% of the time, but go back and read some previous posts. I'm pretty sure they taught me more about life than I taught them about English. Coconuts are not sweet on the inside: If they're green and straight off the tree, don't drink it. Seriously. It's like salty water. 

Khmer coffee is DELICIOUS: The coffee itself has this nutty kind of taste and then they pour an INSANE amount of sweetened condensed milk in and stir it up. You can get it hot or cold and from almost any street vendor or coffee shop. And it's heavenly. Just ask for coffee with milk and be prepared to fall in love.  

Air conditioning is a gift. Don't take it for granted: No one has an air conditioner in Cambodia. Seriously. It's too expensive and kind of impractical because it would be on all day, everyday and at full-blast. Plus, everyone has adapted to the warm climate and gets cold with the air conditioner. So being back in America has been a real treat. I actually get a little cold in my house now.

When you're singing from the heart, no one cares if you sound awful: No matter how many times I said no... No matter how many times I told my boys that I didn't sing... I always ended up singing worship songs for them as they tried to learn them. But you know what? They may have laughed and made fun of me when I couldn't hit the high notes, but they came back the next day singing it at the top of their lungs. Then I would sing off-key and they would sing with broken English. And guess what. It was always a beautiful sound y'all.

The Khmer kiss is not a kiss at all: Okay. Grab a friend. Purse your lips a tiny bit. Put your nose against their cheek. And sniff them really fast and kind of hard. Yes. You read that right. That is a Khmer kiss. Sarah and I thought people just really liked smelling babies here in Cambodia but then we found out that they were kissing them. Neat huh? So go and Khmer kiss all your friends, you'll give em quite a jump.   

He makes beautiful things: I struggled a lot with body image this summer due mainly to the fact that all Khmer people are TINY. But I was reminded everyday of how beautiful I really am. I was reminded everyday of how beautiful we all are. As I reflect on my time in Cambodia, I have come to the conclusion that all I want is for my heart and my passions to be the most beautiful thing about me.

Drink water whenever you can and always take free water: The water is not clean here and so water bottles are the norm when it comes to your daily drinking of water. Since you can't guarantee you'll be somewhere with clean water, always fill up your water bottles when you come across a water filter. And always take free water bottles. Hoarding water bottles is not a bad thing y'all.

Cold showers are underrated: It was just wayyyy too hot for a hot shower. I now love cold showers. Plus, cold showers are better for your hair. So save your locks and enjoy a nice chilly rinse.  

Squatty potties: No comment. 

Generosity is not a material thing: Kinda like my lesson on hospitality, generosity was shown to me daily. I began to realize that generosity isn't about how much money you give to a certain charity or the amount of food you give to a homeless person. Being a generous person means that you're giving all that you have, even if you have nothing. I was offered the best seat in the house, whether that was a dirt floor or a plastic chair. I was always offered food, even if they didn't have enough to feed their family. I was offered the fan, the nest food, the car, the room to take a nap. And even when they didn't have anything, they offered a hug or words. They offered themselves; their heart. Real generosity is about giving all of your heart. And it's beautiful.   

It's okay to have dirty feet: Dirty feet mean that you're going into people's homes and building relationships. You have community. 

Durian: Don't smell it. Don't taste it. That is all.  

Live in the moment and you'll see God's daily arrival: You can't be focused on tomorrow. Or even on the next hour. I learned to leave school at school and home at home. When you're completely in the moment, God is able to use all of you. 

If you can't read the nutritional label, it's probably healthy for you: My philosophy when it came to buying snacks. Can't ready the fat content? Fat free! Can't read the sugar content? Sugar free! Smart? Nah. Enjoyable? Absolutely. 

I am not teacher material: The majority of the females in my family are teachers, but I don't think I'll be following in their footsteps. I loved it butttttt can't say I want to make a career out of it. Sorry y'all.

It's a good to be homesick for Heaven: I was extremely homesick the first couple of days until it hit me one afternoon. *BAM* Live in the moment. I was going to get to go home eventually, why not live it up in Cambodia until then? I was living in Cambodia for crying out loud... I needed to make the most of it! I then also realized how I should be longing for Heaven. I ached to go home, to see the people I loved dearly, to share laughter and joy, and to just be home. Isn't that how I should feel about Heaven. I  should long to be Home, to see my Father, to sit at his feet, to feel indescribable joy, and to be with those whom I hold most dear. It was a great realization and one that I will hold onto forever.

A Letter From Srun:

Dear Teacher Cassie.

Latter from my fill, when I did stadeid with teacher. I am happy, when I stady with teacher, and I like teacher and I love teacher somuch and I want to speak english with you. I want to give you stay here along time. When you go back don't forget me. I miss you, when you go back. I don't know when you go back. When I meet you againt. I hope, I will meet you againt. Sorry, teacher sometime, I didn't study english. Teacher difficult you hard and angry with me, but you didn't spoked. I am sorry, I speak trus. Last time, thank for teach me and I wish you good luck. I am not forget you. Thank teacher somuch. I love you and I miss you somuch. By by. I love teacher. See you latter. From Kim Srun. *signed with a heart drawn next to his signature*

*My attempted translation*

Dear Teacher Cassie,

Letter from my heart. *I honestly have no idea what he was trying to say* I was happy when I studied with the teacher. I liked the teacher when I studied and I loved her so much. I want to speak English with you. I want you to stay here a long time. Don't forget me when you go back. I will miss you when you go back. I don't know when you go back, but I hope I will meet you again. Sorry teacher, sometimes I didn't study English. Your class was difficult and hard. I know you were angry with me but you never said that you were. I am sorry, but I only speak the truth. Once again, thank you for teaching me and I wish you the best of luck. I will never forget you. Thank you so much teacher. I love and miss you so much. Goodbye teacher, I love you. See you later, Kim Srun.

I hope that made you chuckle and warmed your heart as much as it warmed mine.
Sheesh I love those boys.


Okay, I really am saying bye now. My friends all make fun of me because I'm the absolute worst at goodbyes. I always drag them out and make them entirely too long...

I just really hate saying goodbye. 
Like reeeeeally hate it. 



Okay seriously.
This is me saying goodbye.

Two months and a foreign country later...
All I can say is:

Oh, how He loves us.




I love you all to the moon and back.
And as Srun would say,

See you latter.
Cassie

Change or No Change?

[Sunday July 28, 2013]

Today is an important day in Cambodia. 

It's Election Day.

Yesterday, millions of people headed back to their hometowns in preparation for today's voting. You may think that this is a normal election, but it's a little different this year. Please forgive me for my limited knowledge, but I will try my best to effectively share what I know. 

So Cambodia is a constitutional monarchy and is headed by a King, Queen, Prime Minister, and parliament. *and probably some more officials, I'm just not to familiar with them* King Father recently passed away, but he was one of Cambodia's greatest, most "people-first" kings and was loved by the people here. His son has now stepped up and assumed his crown. So there is now the King, Queen Mother, and Hun Sen. *Prime Minister* Hun Sen represents the Cambodian People's Party and has been in power for like 20-something years. *I think* He is very appreciated by the older generation here due to his success in restoring Cambodia after it was nearly destroyed by the Khmer Rouge. But he's not too well-liked by the younger generation. They see only the corruption and in justice that Hun Sen has caused and want to change it. Okay so switch over to the opposing party, The National Rescue Party. Sam Raisny is a 64 year old Cambodian politician and loved by a lot of Cambodia's people. He became a member of the Funcinpec Party *another small party here* in 1992 and was elected into parliament the following year. He founded his own party *Sam Rainsy Party* in 1998 and was elected back into parliament. In 2005, he went into self-imposed exile to avoid being arrested. A vote in the National Assembly removed his parliamentary immunity and he was faced with multiple criminal defamation charges due to his accusations of corruption and fraud against the Cambodian People's Party and Funcinpec. He also accused Hun Sen of being behind a 2004 murder of a union leader. So basically, Hun Sen has all the power and ran Sam Rainsy out of the country. Many embassies became worried that that the government was just trying to silence the opposition party. He was sentenced to 18 months in prison as well as $14,000 in fines and compensation. He came back to Cambodia from 2006-2009, led a protest at the Cambodia-Vietnam border, was charged with racial incitement and destruction of property, failed to show up at court, fled the country, and has been in self-imposed exile since then. On July 12th, the King granted a royal pardon to Rainsy and allowed him to come back to Cambodia but he's not not eligible for this election. On the 19th *the day we went out to the countryside with Sharon and the girls* Rainsy returned to Cambodia. And let me tell ya. The streets were CRAZY. The people were so excited to have him back and he walked down a main street from the airport, waving and shaking everyone's hands. Because Rainsy can't run for office, he has now affiliated himself with the National Rescue Party. 

So with all that being said, this election is a little different this year. There is something in the air and everyone can feel it. It's like this excited whisper. 

There is this hope that things can change. The campaign parades are loud and crazy and everyone is cheering and waving and holding up numbers. Supporters of the Cambodian People's Party all hold up the number 4 *that's what number they are on the ballot* and supporters of the National Rescue Party hold up the number 7. Throughout the street you can here a cheer that is being yelled by everyone; people in the parades, shop owners that step outside to watch the processions, and even the little naked toddlers on the streets.

"Change or no change?" they yell. 

Change or no change?

Does Cambodia have a brighter future? 

Is there a chance that the corruption will stop?

Will there be a change?

Sarah and I will stay inside today and Cambodia will go to the polls.

Tomorrow the country will be full of black fingers *they dip them in ink to show who has voted and who hasn't yet* and we will know if there has been a change or no change. So tonight, my prayer is for this country. I pray that God's will be done. I pray that there will be peace and comfort and that Cambodia's future will be a bright one. 

Love you all,

Cassie 

Blessed

[Thursday 25, 2013]

It.

Is. 

Finished. 

Today was day 46 in Cambodia. 

And it was our last day of teaching. 

We taught a session in the morning and then had an ice cream party in the afternoon. Much better than English class right? Yeah, we thought so too. But more on that later.

These past few days have been interesting. I somehow turned into a Bible-Government-English-teacher and I'm not entirely sure how that happened. *The government teacher part is due to the election that is taking place on Sunday and the students interest in how to discuss it in English* I decided that it would be really great to get my students reading aloud in order to work more on pronunciation. We grabbed the only English bibles that I could find at the moment *those little orange Gideon's bibles* and jumped in. They chose to begin in Matthew chapter 3 and so they all took turns reading 5 verses aloud and then looking for words in the previously read verses that they didn't know or understand the meaning of. Well it was a great system except that I have no idea how to explain the meaning of some words. And how do you define a word that means one thing but is being used in a different way. How on earth do I teach metaphors? And how do I explain what "doth" means? This continued on all week and we somehow made it out alive y'all. Somehow. We reached the Beatitudes and I had a realization. I don't know what it is, but everything is so much more "real" in Cambodia. The sky is bluer, grass is greener, fruit tastes sweeter, I laugh from my inner most being, and I realize things that I should have known all along. It's not like I'm learning brand new things everyday, it's more like I just diving in deeper. And I love that. 

So we got to Matthew 5 and I knew what was coming next. I dreaded having to give the definition for meek and trying to explain to them what being poor in spirit meant because I honestly don't know sometimes. But as I listened to the boys read, it hit me. Another "dive in deeper" moment. See, when they saw the word "blessed" they didn't read it the way I've grown up hearing it. *bless-ed* They saw the word "blessed" so they said the word "blessed"... as in blessings.  

Then it all made sense.

Being "bless-ed" wasn't something that you had to earn.  

I've grown up thinking *without necessarily realizing that I thought this way* that these Beatitudes were some nearly unachievable goal that you wanted to reach in order to be "bless-ed." In order to be given a gold star or a checkmark on the chart. It was like I was saying, "Yeah okay God, I'm going to try my hardest to be poor in spirit because I'd really like to end up in heaven." When in actuality He is saying "You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of Me and my rule." Or "Okay God, I won't be reeeeally sad when I'm sad because I know you'll take care of me." That's not it at all. He is saying, "You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you." Or. "Meek, God? what does that even mean?" His response? "You're blessed when you're content with who you are-no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourself as a proud owner of everything that can't be bought."

*I would like to give full credit to The Message for the verses* 

So yeah. 

It took like 14 twenty year olds to help me realize that I'm not aiming for this perfect score. I'm being richly blessed by my Father in heaven that loves me very much and wants nothing more than to have a relationship with me. 

I'm not trying to be bless-ed. 

I'm being blessed day after day. 

Who's the Bible teacher now, huh?

After our morning class was over, my students asked me to pray one last time. This prayer consisted of me thanking God for the opportunity that I had this summer and for my students and for their wisdom and brains and huge hearts. Of course, I teared up a bit and my voice may or may not have cracked. But hey. I didn't care. 

After lunch we recruited Chanty and Roth to take us to the store to buy ice cream for our party that afternoon. Well our quick trip to the store kind of turned into a 2 hour *or so* adventure and hunt for ice cream. We went to Dairy Queen and Swenson's and even a huge supermarket. Dairy Queen didn't sell tubs of ice cream and their cakes were too expensive for the number of people we were feeding. Swenson's was expensive but the amount of ice cream we would be buying made it worth it... except that it was all one flavor. We decided to jump across the mall *Swenson's and the supermarket were in a mall* and check out the varieties and prices in the supermarket. After about 15 minutes if deliberating and calculating, we headed back to Swenson's to by the huge tub. Well when we returned there was some confusion and they told us that the price increased by $10. Uh. Okay? W stood there and listened s Roth and Chanty took the reigns and attempted to make sense of the situation. By the end of the conversation, we found out that the tubs weren't for sale. Back to the supermarket for the four of us *but not without buying sundaes for our wonderful escorts.  

So we ended up with 6 containers of ice cream: 2 vanilla, 2 chocolate, 1 chocolate chip, and 1 strawberry. Oh and don't forget the bottle of chocolate syrup. 

Phew. 

We survived the ice cream excursion and laughed the whole way home. Our friends are so wonderful here. We made it back to the school all in one piece and made sure all the ice cream was put away. Sarah and I were then taken back to the hotel to rest until our ice cream party that was scheduled for 4:00. 

The part was a success and they ate nearly all the ice cream. There was only a little left in the second chocolate and vanilla. Hooray for ice cream! 

We taught the children for the last time and even received a HUGE hug from one of the older girls. Sarah and I looked at each other and we both had tears in our eyes. Seriously y'all. The absence of physical affection has been hard. 

After class, we took Sokhom and Srey Nang to Viva for a thank you dinner. We enjoyed a nice Mexican meal, *Srey Nang got a steak... She's not a fan of Spanish cuisine*  visited for a while longer, and then headed back. 

And now here we are. 

Our English teaching career has come to an end. 

What? 

It honestly feels like we've only been here for like a week and a half. I can't believe that we'll be leaving in 6 days. It's surreal. 

I. Am. So. Blessed. 

This summer has been incredible. It has been full of tears and peaks and valleys and food and sickness and laughing and language and joy and miscommunication and it has been the best summer of my life. No doubt. 

I can't imagine having to say goodbye to these beautiful people in 6 days. 

But for the next 6 days, I pray that I can pour love and encouragement into them. 

They deserve every bit of it. 

Goodnight friends. I love you all and I'm so blessed to have you.

Cassie 

Assertiveness and Self-Control: Fruits of the Spirit?

I only have 3 more days of teaching.

3.

Days. 

Holy cow. 

The past week was full of fun and friends and food. Monday we taught our wonderful students. On Tuesday, Shanleigh and Mallory came out for the afternoon and watched us teach the students and then the children. They also got to experience one of our frequent walks to the riverside with the students, as well as enjoy a traditional meal prepared  by Srey Nang. Wednesday and Thursday were pretty typical. Then on Friday, we joined the girls and Sharon on their trip to the countryside to feed the children in various villages. It was really neat to see what they get to do every other day. The kids were wonderful and beautiful and joyful. It was such a great day and we even got to climb a million stairs to a Wat and enjoy a breathtaking view of the countryside from atop a mountain. That night, Sarah, Mallory, Shanleigh, and I ventured out *got lost for an hour* and searched Phnom Penh for Mike's Burger House. We eventually found it and enjoyed a DELICIOUS burger as well as great conversation with Mike himself. He even gave us complementary nachos. And we got pictures with him. And we are now on his Facebook page. Love that guy. The girls spent the night at our hotel and we slept in, enjoyed a breakfast *fried rice and pork* at the top of our hotel, and then made our way to the hotel pool. Lucky for us, the one day that we wanted it to be hot and sunny, it was cloudy and windy and cool. But we made the most of it and enjoyed relaxing poolside. After "swimming" we headed to the Russian Market for a little more souvenir shopping and then enjoyed a nice lunch/dinner at a local *and favorite* coffee shop. The girls stayed with us again and we all attended church at Sokhom's in the morning. *Sharon, Dennis, Theary, their daughter-in-law, and grandson were also there* After church we met Natalie and Andrew for lunch at a wonderful middle eastern restaurant and enjoyed a meal of *too much* hummus and bread and wraps *gyros* and falafel. After lunch, Andrew said goodbye and we ran some errands. We stopped in a little shop and paid for a $1 manicure and then headed to the movie theater where Natalie had reserved tickets for us. This movie theater was a little different from the one in the mall. It was in a residential area. Actually it was in a house itself. You walked in the gate and then up the stairs. You removed your shoes and then walked through this hallway and into a lounge area. It reminded me a lot of Monks *coffee shop in Abilene* and I was immediately in love. We paid for our tickets *$3.50* and then made our way into the movie room where you could choose to sit in couches our recline on the cushions on the floor. We chose the floor and settled in to watch the movie. It was called "Unfinished Song (Song for Marion)" and I literally cried the whole time. It was one of the best movies that I've ever seen. You have to find it. It's like "Pitch Perfect" except it's a British film and it's with old people. It is amazing. *side note: there is some language* It may change your life. Maybe. Natalie drove us back to our hotel and we had a wonderful conversation about culture shock and fitting in and living in a different country. She is seriously one of my favorite people ever. SUCH an inspiration. 

So anyways. 

We've been a little busy lately trying to fit everything in before we leave. 

And I don't want it to sound like I've been goofing off this last week and don't even care about teaching anymore, because that is the furthest thing from the truth. We just found our groove and now it's life for us. Which I'm so grateful for. Our days are routine and I was telling you about the different non-routine things that we did last week. Okay. I'm done justifying myself. 

Moving on.

I've learned a lot of things in Cambodia. 

Maybe not learned entirely new things, but my knowledge about certain things has grown that's for sure. Here's a recent lesson. 

Assertiveness vs. Self-Control. 

I am not an assertive person. 

At all. 

But I like to lie to myself and say that I am. I like to think I'm confrontational and when asked what I want to do, I like to think I can easily answer. But I'm not confrontational and I hate telling people what I want. Why run the risk of making someone unhappy when you can just let them choose? This past year, I've been going to counseling to work on some anxiety/OCD/control issues as well as learning how to not be held captive by other people's expectations of me. *or the expectations I assume people have of me* It has totally rocked and I'm proud to be a success story. I can sign autographs later. Everyone should go to counseling. I'm serious. It rocks. 

Anyways, I've always had trouble standing up for myself and saying no... which can easily lead to my time, energy, money, etc. getting taken advantage of. Shocking right? Well I have found this idea of assertiveness to kind of be a theme here in Cambodia. You want a tuk tuk ride? Go get you a tuk tuk. He's asking for too much money? Try to pay the least amount. He won't go as low as you want him to? Go find another tuk tuk. The lady at the market is asking too much for the purse? Tell her you'll only pay $3. She won't go lower than $4? Walk away and find another bag at a different shop. 

After all, you are the paying customer.

This is all great and haggling is expected here, but this is not the environment that I particularly thrive in. The tuk tuk driver is asking for $5 and yes, it's a little steep and you could probably find a cheaper driver, but he has a family to feed and this is his job, so what's a couple of dollars? The lady is asking for $4 but you really only want to pay $3. But this is her job. She hardly makes any profit as it is. Will $1 really make a difference in your wallet? It's so easy to get caught up in the "limbo game" and it's fun to see how low you can go. *ha limbo, get it?* I have to admit, haggling can be fun and it's nice when you don't have to pay over $5 for anything. 

But are you being assertive?

Or are you taking advantage of someone?

Then there is a whole other side to the game. 

I'm automatically a target because I'm a foreigner. I get charged more at the markets, my tuk tuk drivers ask far too much, and I'm on every street-beggar's radar. The police tried to make me pay to enter Wat Phnom... guess what you don't have to pay to go to a city Pagoda. The police were trying to take advantage of me. I'm a foreigner and so I'm assumed to have more money. Unfortunately, I don't have a ton of money and I hate when people take advantage of me. 

So where is the line?

Where is this fine line between taking advantage of someone and getting taken advantage of. Because wherever that line is, I need to be walking on it. 

It's all about balance. 

But how do we find balance in a world that is full of corruption? Who do we listen to in order to find out what is right and what is wrong? How do I know how much is too much for a tuk tuk ride? When can I tell if a lady is asking for way more than what the purse is worth?

Marie-Clair taught her Bible study lesson over this very idea in Siem Reap the other week. She talked about right and wrong and how we know which is which and who teaches us the difference. Can you imagine asking a group of girls that hardly know Christianity and are living in unimaginably corrupt country this question? I live in a free country where everyone has equal opportunities. Yes, there are still people that get taken advantage of and there is still a lot of injustice. But it's nothing compared to here. Do you know how foreign equality sounds to me right now? 

I'm still learning how to be assertive while maintaining self-control. 

I'm still learning how to walk that tight rope between the two. 

The best solution comes from straight out of the Bible. *duh* In 1 Thessalonians, there is a verse that talks about loving and serving God wholeheartedly. Like with your ENTIRE heart. If you love and serve Him, with all that you have, there is no question that He will bless you with the wisdom and heart to serve others while still respecting yourself. 

Obviously, I'm still learning. 

It's just another observation I've made.

in other news.

It's hard to digest that we'll be leaving Cambodia in 9 days. 

It's kind of like camp. You're so pumped to be there and you make all of these amazing friends and you want to stay there forever. But then the end of the week comes and you shove everything back into your suitcase and hug all your friends and tell each other that you'll keep in touch and then you go home. And the whole way home you're depressed. But then you get home and you're mom washes all the mud out of your socks and she makes you bathe. You have a nice meal full of the fruits and veggies that you had been successfully avoiding all week. And you hug your parents and climb into your own bed, under your own covers and it's okay. Yeah. You're sad about leaving. But you're so happy to be home. And there's always the excitement for next summer and the chance that you'll see all your camp friends again. 

And that's kind of how I'm feeling right now. 

Anticipating the flood of emotion. 

Happy, sad, lonely, depressed, angry, excited, relieved, exhausted, overjoyed, and comfortable. And I'm not too entirely sure if I like the thought of feeling some of those emotions. 

But I know I will feel them all and probably many more. 

So I'm getting ready. 

Until then, here's to enjoying CampBodia for 9 more days. 

Love you all more than you know,

Cassie 

Beautiful Things

[July 17th] 

Hello all. 

I would just like to clarify something from my last post. 

It's not like I get my self-esteem lowered all day, everyday. 

It's actually the opposite. 

My students are so sweet and are constantly complimenting me.

I get sweet notes on the board.

I'm reminded that I'm a good teacher. 

And I feel so loved everyday. 

Today, one of them said that he bet I had a lot of boyfriends in America since I was so beautiful. 

HA.  

Step up your game American boys. 

So all that to say, don't worry. I'm not depressed at all. 

It's actually the exact opposite...

I was talking to Sarah tonight about joy. I know, I know, I talk about it a lot. But seriously. It's a type of joy that I've never experienced before. I honestly have no idea how to explain it, but I'll try my best.

I like to laugh and have a good time. 

Who doesn't right? 

I would say that I am a generally happy person. 

But this summer I have discovered that being joyful and being happy are two different things... An argument that I *ironically* had with a friend right before I came to Cambodia. I argued that being happy and being joyful were the same thing. And he argued that happiness was a fleeting emotion. Boy, was I wrong. 

So this is me apologizing for my ignorance.

You won that debate. 

You know who you are. 

It's weird seeing yourself change. 

Now, when I laugh, it's from the heart. I have this feeling that bubbles up and out and overflows and I can't even imagine trying to contain it. It's really indescribable and the only thing I can really say about this feeling is that it's absolutely real. 

When I talk with the people here, I want to know them.

I have to be intentional.

I long to be intentional.

The relationships that I have built here are so real and pure and full of joy. 

Being in Cambodia has changed me. 

God has used this time to change me.

I've been away from family and friends and all other distractions. And no, I'm not hating on the people that I love. I just sometimes care too much about what other people expect of me and spend so much time trying to maintain perfect relationships with people. Therefore, God is put on the back burner. A lot. But He has revealed himself in so many ways here. 

I see clearer here. 

I feel more here. 

Being in Cambodia has help remind me what true passion feels like.  

God has given me a new spirit of joy. 

And I am forever grateful for it. 

Beautiful. 

That's definitely a word that I would choose to describe my life over here. 

All the sights, smells, sounds, and tastes come together to make one giant beautiful picture. Sure, they aren't all wonderful. The smell of durian makes me want to vomit, the garbage on the street is not appealing, the constant honking of tuk tuk drivers and motos give me headaches, and the taste of fish sauce is not my favorite thing in the world. But they are necessary pieces to the puzzle that makes up my summer here in the Kingdom of Wonder. And I wouldn't dare leave out any piece. 

Guess what. That's how God sees it too. 

We're broken.

And we reek with the sin. 

And we whine and complain. 

And we're bitter. 

But God chooses us. 

He takes the broken and smelly and ugly and dirty. 

He picks us up and dusts us off. 

And when we all come together?

We are his prize. 

We are beautiful. 

You make beautiful things out of dust. 

You make beautiful things out of us. 

Sorry that this post was all over the place.

I just have a lot of thoughts and I want to remember how I feel about everything. 

I don't want to lose it. 

I love you all so very much,

Cassie 

Shapes

Our second to last Monday of teaching is OVER.

Wow. 

Yesterday was wonderful. 

We woke up and went to church. Chanty taught the children and so Sarah and I were able to sit and worship in "big church." It was all in Khmer, but beautiful none the less. Sokhom told us the verses and subject matter of his lesson so we were able to get a grasp of it even though it was all in Khmer. He preached out of 2nd Corinthians and discussed what it means to build the church. 

After worship and then Bible class, we helped chop onions for lunch. Lunch was delicious and consisted of an omelette type thing and yes, you guessed it, rice. 

After lunch, Sarah and I were dropped off at the hotel where we immedieately began cleaning up the place. We had planned to hang out with Natalie all day and she was coming to pick us up so we wanted our home to be a little more presentable. Nothing wrong with that right? Plus, it had been a month and a week and we still hadn't swept our floors. No worries, it's now squeaky clean. 

Natalie came and got us and we headed to one of her favorite little coffee shops where she treated us to drinks and we devised a plan for the afternoon. We sipped on our drinks and came up with a list of activities. 

First stop? 

Thai massages. 

Natalie knew of a great place and so we made our way there. We arrived and decided on an hour long traditional Thai *full body* massage in a group room. 

It was heavenly. 

I had never gotten a massage before and I must admit that I'm a little sore today. But it rocked. And we only paid $8 for that thing. 

Ahh I love the prices here.

I don't want to go home and pay more. 

After our massages, we tried out a New Mexican restaurant for dinner. We got there and realized that it was more of a Chilean restaurant rather than Mexican, but it was delicious and it was so fun to be with the Hayes. *Andrew met us for dinner*  I feel like we've come so far from the Cassie and Sarah that they met that first week we were here in Phnom Penh. At least I hope we've changed and gotten better. 

After dinner, Natalie brought us home and showed us how to turn on our gas for our stove. Seriously y'all. She is a LIFESAVER. I have no idea what we would do without her. 

We said our thank you's and goodbyes and made plans to get together next weekend too. Natalie loves movies and I think I hear the theater calling my name. 

Hooray for Sunday! 

Monday is over now. 

Today we learned about shapes and prepared a type of presentation thing for our guests tomorrow. Mallory and Shanleigh are coming to spend the afternoon with us and just kind of experience "a day in the life of." It will be so fun and we are so excited! Some of the students also took Sarah and I on a type of field trip. We went to the Royal Palace, Wat Phnom, and Diamond Island. It was so fun and it just reminded me of how much I love them. Seriously. 

They are the best. 

On a different note.

I try to blog straight from the heart and literally just type what I'm thinking. Which is kind of a strange concept. I mean, it's like my diary is on the Internet and anyone can read it. Kind of weird. But I like having an outlet. And you don't have to read it if you don't want to. But the whole blogging concept is kind of strange...  

Anyways.

All of that to say that I'm completely honest in my blog.

Butttt I haven't been completely honest with you about a certain struggle. 

Two words. 

Body image. 

Believe me. I hate those words as much as you do. They are over used and over done. Every girls' conference has a lesson on it, every girls' class at church camp says the same thing, and *sadly* I get so tired of hearing Proverbs 31 recited to me every time I mention that I'm doubting myself.

I know I'm not supposed to care what I look like.

I know my beauty comes from what's on the inside.  

I know charm is deceptive. 

I know beauty is fleeting. 

I know that I'm supposed to be happy with how I was created. 

After all, I'm a daughter of the King. 

But the devil takes many shapes. 

And he constantly makes me hate my shape. 

From ballet class to soccer to cross country to volleyball to track to basketball to my week as a pole vaulter to swimming, I've never been "good" at any of it. 

I wasn't a tiny little ballerina. 

I scored 3 goals in my entire soccer career. 

I came in last. Every. Race. 

I was on C team for every sport all during middle school. 

I never even got off the ground as a pole vaulter. 

The list could go on and on. 

The point is that I've always doubted myself. 

I've never been good enough.

Or pretty enough.

Or skinny enough. 

Yes, it has gotten A TON better through the years and I've been able to laugh at myself. I'm confident in my character and in my morals and beliefs. I know how I want to live everyday and who I want to live my life for. But I would be telling a big ol' lie if I said I still didn't struggle with negative thoughts whenever I look into a mirror. 

Everyone does. 

We all have our good body image days.

We all have our really bad days. 

And being in Cambodia is no different. 

Maybe I thought being away from friends and pressures and America in general would help me forget that I sometimes hate the way I look, but sadly it hasn't. 

Satan knows how to get to me. 

And he does. 

Everyone here is tiny. And when I say tiny, I mean TINY. Sarah and I are taller than all of our students with the exception of like 3. It doesn't shock me anymore when the older women that we visit make comments about how my age and my size don't match up in Cambodia. I'm getting used to being referred to as big. When I'm offered two stacked plastic chairs to sit on instead of one, I've learned to not fight it. 

I just hate having to constantly tell myself that it's an entirely different world here and remind myself not to take it personally. Why should I have to remind myself. I should know. I should let it roll off my shoulders. These people are saying these things, but they don't mean them in an offensive way at all. But I take it personally and Satan gets in. 

But I'm learning. 

I just wanted everyone to know that Satan is a shape shifter and will do whatever it takes to get inside your head. 

Please don't think that I'm a girl that sits in her room and cries. Because I'm not. It's like I said before. People just have really good days and really bad days. And if you're human, you know what I mean. 

It's just sometimes harder to have good days when Satan keeps reminding you how easy it is to hate yourself. 

But that's when I just flip over to my favorite Psalm *34* and remind myself that when I look to God, my face will never be covered in shame. I will be radiant. And that's all that people will see. And that's all that matters. 

So here's to all the shapes out there. 

The different shapes I taught my students today. 

The different body shapes that people have.

And the people that God is shaping and molding us into the person he desires.

I pray we can stop looking around and comparing ourselves to everyone else. 

I pray that we can begin looking up. 

Because when we look to Him, our faces are not once covered in shame.

Or doubt.

Or insecurity. 

And it's then that we become absolutely radiant. 

Love you all to the moon and back,

Cassie