Beautiful Things

[July 17th] 

Hello all. 

I would just like to clarify something from my last post. 

It's not like I get my self-esteem lowered all day, everyday. 

It's actually the opposite. 

My students are so sweet and are constantly complimenting me.

I get sweet notes on the board.

I'm reminded that I'm a good teacher. 

And I feel so loved everyday. 

Today, one of them said that he bet I had a lot of boyfriends in America since I was so beautiful. 

HA.  

Step up your game American boys. 

So all that to say, don't worry. I'm not depressed at all. 

It's actually the exact opposite...

I was talking to Sarah tonight about joy. I know, I know, I talk about it a lot. But seriously. It's a type of joy that I've never experienced before. I honestly have no idea how to explain it, but I'll try my best.

I like to laugh and have a good time. 

Who doesn't right? 

I would say that I am a generally happy person. 

But this summer I have discovered that being joyful and being happy are two different things... An argument that I *ironically* had with a friend right before I came to Cambodia. I argued that being happy and being joyful were the same thing. And he argued that happiness was a fleeting emotion. Boy, was I wrong. 

So this is me apologizing for my ignorance.

You won that debate. 

You know who you are. 

It's weird seeing yourself change. 

Now, when I laugh, it's from the heart. I have this feeling that bubbles up and out and overflows and I can't even imagine trying to contain it. It's really indescribable and the only thing I can really say about this feeling is that it's absolutely real. 

When I talk with the people here, I want to know them.

I have to be intentional.

I long to be intentional.

The relationships that I have built here are so real and pure and full of joy. 

Being in Cambodia has changed me. 

God has used this time to change me.

I've been away from family and friends and all other distractions. And no, I'm not hating on the people that I love. I just sometimes care too much about what other people expect of me and spend so much time trying to maintain perfect relationships with people. Therefore, God is put on the back burner. A lot. But He has revealed himself in so many ways here. 

I see clearer here. 

I feel more here. 

Being in Cambodia has help remind me what true passion feels like.  

God has given me a new spirit of joy. 

And I am forever grateful for it. 

Beautiful. 

That's definitely a word that I would choose to describe my life over here. 

All the sights, smells, sounds, and tastes come together to make one giant beautiful picture. Sure, they aren't all wonderful. The smell of durian makes me want to vomit, the garbage on the street is not appealing, the constant honking of tuk tuk drivers and motos give me headaches, and the taste of fish sauce is not my favorite thing in the world. But they are necessary pieces to the puzzle that makes up my summer here in the Kingdom of Wonder. And I wouldn't dare leave out any piece. 

Guess what. That's how God sees it too. 

We're broken.

And we reek with the sin. 

And we whine and complain. 

And we're bitter. 

But God chooses us. 

He takes the broken and smelly and ugly and dirty. 

He picks us up and dusts us off. 

And when we all come together?

We are his prize. 

We are beautiful. 

You make beautiful things out of dust. 

You make beautiful things out of us. 

Sorry that this post was all over the place.

I just have a lot of thoughts and I want to remember how I feel about everything. 

I don't want to lose it. 

I love you all so very much,

Cassie