Shapes

Our second to last Monday of teaching is OVER.

Wow. 

Yesterday was wonderful. 

We woke up and went to church. Chanty taught the children and so Sarah and I were able to sit and worship in "big church." It was all in Khmer, but beautiful none the less. Sokhom told us the verses and subject matter of his lesson so we were able to get a grasp of it even though it was all in Khmer. He preached out of 2nd Corinthians and discussed what it means to build the church. 

After worship and then Bible class, we helped chop onions for lunch. Lunch was delicious and consisted of an omelette type thing and yes, you guessed it, rice. 

After lunch, Sarah and I were dropped off at the hotel where we immedieately began cleaning up the place. We had planned to hang out with Natalie all day and she was coming to pick us up so we wanted our home to be a little more presentable. Nothing wrong with that right? Plus, it had been a month and a week and we still hadn't swept our floors. No worries, it's now squeaky clean. 

Natalie came and got us and we headed to one of her favorite little coffee shops where she treated us to drinks and we devised a plan for the afternoon. We sipped on our drinks and came up with a list of activities. 

First stop? 

Thai massages. 

Natalie knew of a great place and so we made our way there. We arrived and decided on an hour long traditional Thai *full body* massage in a group room. 

It was heavenly. 

I had never gotten a massage before and I must admit that I'm a little sore today. But it rocked. And we only paid $8 for that thing. 

Ahh I love the prices here.

I don't want to go home and pay more. 

After our massages, we tried out a New Mexican restaurant for dinner. We got there and realized that it was more of a Chilean restaurant rather than Mexican, but it was delicious and it was so fun to be with the Hayes. *Andrew met us for dinner*  I feel like we've come so far from the Cassie and Sarah that they met that first week we were here in Phnom Penh. At least I hope we've changed and gotten better. 

After dinner, Natalie brought us home and showed us how to turn on our gas for our stove. Seriously y'all. She is a LIFESAVER. I have no idea what we would do without her. 

We said our thank you's and goodbyes and made plans to get together next weekend too. Natalie loves movies and I think I hear the theater calling my name. 

Hooray for Sunday! 

Monday is over now. 

Today we learned about shapes and prepared a type of presentation thing for our guests tomorrow. Mallory and Shanleigh are coming to spend the afternoon with us and just kind of experience "a day in the life of." It will be so fun and we are so excited! Some of the students also took Sarah and I on a type of field trip. We went to the Royal Palace, Wat Phnom, and Diamond Island. It was so fun and it just reminded me of how much I love them. Seriously. 

They are the best. 

On a different note.

I try to blog straight from the heart and literally just type what I'm thinking. Which is kind of a strange concept. I mean, it's like my diary is on the Internet and anyone can read it. Kind of weird. But I like having an outlet. And you don't have to read it if you don't want to. But the whole blogging concept is kind of strange...  

Anyways.

All of that to say that I'm completely honest in my blog.

Butttt I haven't been completely honest with you about a certain struggle. 

Two words. 

Body image. 

Believe me. I hate those words as much as you do. They are over used and over done. Every girls' conference has a lesson on it, every girls' class at church camp says the same thing, and *sadly* I get so tired of hearing Proverbs 31 recited to me every time I mention that I'm doubting myself.

I know I'm not supposed to care what I look like.

I know my beauty comes from what's on the inside.  

I know charm is deceptive. 

I know beauty is fleeting. 

I know that I'm supposed to be happy with how I was created. 

After all, I'm a daughter of the King. 

But the devil takes many shapes. 

And he constantly makes me hate my shape. 

From ballet class to soccer to cross country to volleyball to track to basketball to my week as a pole vaulter to swimming, I've never been "good" at any of it. 

I wasn't a tiny little ballerina. 

I scored 3 goals in my entire soccer career. 

I came in last. Every. Race. 

I was on C team for every sport all during middle school. 

I never even got off the ground as a pole vaulter. 

The list could go on and on. 

The point is that I've always doubted myself. 

I've never been good enough.

Or pretty enough.

Or skinny enough. 

Yes, it has gotten A TON better through the years and I've been able to laugh at myself. I'm confident in my character and in my morals and beliefs. I know how I want to live everyday and who I want to live my life for. But I would be telling a big ol' lie if I said I still didn't struggle with negative thoughts whenever I look into a mirror. 

Everyone does. 

We all have our good body image days.

We all have our really bad days. 

And being in Cambodia is no different. 

Maybe I thought being away from friends and pressures and America in general would help me forget that I sometimes hate the way I look, but sadly it hasn't. 

Satan knows how to get to me. 

And he does. 

Everyone here is tiny. And when I say tiny, I mean TINY. Sarah and I are taller than all of our students with the exception of like 3. It doesn't shock me anymore when the older women that we visit make comments about how my age and my size don't match up in Cambodia. I'm getting used to being referred to as big. When I'm offered two stacked plastic chairs to sit on instead of one, I've learned to not fight it. 

I just hate having to constantly tell myself that it's an entirely different world here and remind myself not to take it personally. Why should I have to remind myself. I should know. I should let it roll off my shoulders. These people are saying these things, but they don't mean them in an offensive way at all. But I take it personally and Satan gets in. 

But I'm learning. 

I just wanted everyone to know that Satan is a shape shifter and will do whatever it takes to get inside your head. 

Please don't think that I'm a girl that sits in her room and cries. Because I'm not. It's like I said before. People just have really good days and really bad days. And if you're human, you know what I mean. 

It's just sometimes harder to have good days when Satan keeps reminding you how easy it is to hate yourself. 

But that's when I just flip over to my favorite Psalm *34* and remind myself that when I look to God, my face will never be covered in shame. I will be radiant. And that's all that people will see. And that's all that matters. 

So here's to all the shapes out there. 

The different shapes I taught my students today. 

The different body shapes that people have.

And the people that God is shaping and molding us into the person he desires.

I pray we can stop looking around and comparing ourselves to everyone else. 

I pray that we can begin looking up. 

Because when we look to Him, our faces are not once covered in shame.

Or doubt.

Or insecurity. 

And it's then that we become absolutely radiant. 

Love you all to the moon and back,

Cassie