See You Latter

So I've spent the last couple of weeks writing and rewriting and agonizing over my last few blog posts. Every time someone would mention something about my blog, I'd cringe and make some comment along the lines of "I know, I know, I still have like 5 more posts to do..." or something like "I'm so behind..." And tonight I came to a realization.

So what?

Why on Earth am I treating it like a burden?

Anyways, sorry for that 2 week-long break.
I just had to get over myself.

Here we go.

I'm home.
Y'all I'm home.

Saying goodbye was absolutely awful.
I wasn't prepared for that feeling in the pit of my stomach. That feeling that reminded me that this might be the last time I see these beautiful faces. Yes, there were many tears as I hugged Srey Nang and told the boys how much they meant to me. Yes, there were tears as Tolah drove Sarah and I to the airport Wednesday morning. And yes, there are a couple on my cheek right now.

The boys flooded Sarah and I with encouragement, well-wishes, letters, compliments, and prayers. As I sat at the school on Tuesday night, I looked around at all of my new friends. I studied each face to make sure it was forever engraved in my memory and listened as they sang "Amazing Grace" in English. And with all of their heart.

I listened and reflected on each word.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost, but now I'm found,
Was blind, but now I see.

T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils, and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

When this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

When we've been there ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.

This trip has been incredible. I was able to rediscover God in every aspect and moment of my life. My eyes have been opened; I can see. It was hard. I was scared. But God took care of everyone of those fears. I was blessed when I felt so distant from everything dear to me. It was then that I was able to feel the embrace of the One most dear to me. God reveled himself to me daily. Through my students, at the whiteboard, and even in the afternoon monsoons. He has kept me safe and secure and he will continue to do so until I reach home in Texas and then home in Heaven. He'll lead me home. His word became so clear this summer. I felt secure. I was blessed as I became content with who I am-no more, no less. I'm discovering myself to be a proud owner of everything that can't be bought. This joy and comfort and dependency and absolute love cannot be bought. No way Jose. My body will fail. People will let me down. I will disappoint people. But God will never let me down. I have my whole life and then forever to praise him. And I cannot wait.

I don't know why I'm so in love with such a dirty and broken country.
It might have something to do with the fact that Cambodia kind of reminds me of us.
We are dirty.
We are broken.
And God is so in love with us.



I can't believe it's over.
I'm so grateful to have something that makes saying goodbye so difficult.
My love for these people and this country is incredible and something I will cherish forever. I was shown God's love in a whole new way and I am absolutely grateful for the opportunity.

It's so funny how God is present in every aspect of your life.
Words are incredibly important to me. They are how I show and feel love. Isn't it funny how God planned on my summer being full of words? Who knew I would be teaching English right? I sure didn't, but I know He did that just so I could be reminded of how much He ADORES me. Everyday was bursting with English words, Khmer words, vocabulary words, scripture, encouragement, yes even miscommunications, words of life.. My cup is overflowing y'all.

Thank you for keeping up with me and genuinely caring about my sanity, safety, well-being, happiness, growth, and everything else you worried about. I thank you immensely for the encouragement and comments on posts and emails and Facebook messages. I felt the prayers and relied on your support. I appreciate you all putting up with my blog and all of the ranting, rabbit trails, dramatic nature, and my sometimes diva-attitude. I love you all and couldn't have done it without you.

Below is the list that I have been adding to throughout the summer. Some are serious and some are just stupid. They are basically just summaries of my previous blogposts and I hope you enjoy reading them. I also typed the letter that I received from my student, Srun. I typed it exactly how it was written *spelling and all* but I will decipher it for you. No worries.

Things I learned in Cambodia. 


Hospitality isn't judged on how great your dinner parties are: I've grown up thinking that when the Bible talked about being hospitable, it was talking about how you need to let people sleep on your couch when they were in town and without a place to stay. Or that you needed to have people over 3-4 out of the 7 nights in the week. Or that people could tell how hospitable you were by the extravagance of your dinner parties on the back patio. Well guess what folks. That's not how it works at all. I've been taught that hospitality is all about making someone feel at home. It's about making someone feel like they are loved. I was shown genuine hospitality through the constant invitation into people's homes, huts, shacks, or even just on their mat with them. Even though they may not have even had enough, I was constantly offered food or water or the shade from the hot sun. I was humbled by hospitality daily.

If your tuk tuk driver tells you he knows where he's going, there is a 92% chance that he's lying: People in Phnom Penh are really bad with directions and so the tuk tuk drivers rarely know how to get places. If you tell them you want to go somewhere and they say they can take you there, they probably have no idea where they're going and will then proceed to drive you around for an hour hoping you'll yell "CHOP" *stop* and hop out and pay him. It was always an adventure. 

Sour Soup is not your friend: Simple as that. It's gross.

God picks the most unqualified so you have to depend on him: I had no idea what I was doing and I had no one to tell me how to do it. I had to lean COMPLETELY on God. My whiteboard prayers and God's obvious arrival became daily.

Fish sauce is in everything and only smells bad when it's being cooked: Fish sauce is basically liquid fermented fish and Cambodia loves fish sauce. Seriously. It's in everything. While it's cooking, you want to die. But if it's cooked into something, it's delicious *usually* and you're shocked. We kinda have a love-hate relationship.  

Makeup-free living rocks: No makeup is the way to go.  

Sweat is a friend and should be appreciated: I have never had sweat literally dripping down me, but Cambodia-life is different and dripping sweat is a daily occurrence. I've been told that it detoxifies you and makes you healthier and blah blah. So three cheers for my new friend, sweat.  

Afternoon storms are a wonderful blessing and cool you off tremendously: It is hot hot HOT and rain makes everything better. And it's fun to go run and dance in. Simple as that. 

Don't eat the ice: If it has holes in it, *like an ice cube* it's safe. If it's crushed, RUN AWAY. Or prepare to be throwing up and in bed for 3 days. 

Students teach the teacher about 98% of the time: I like to think that I taught them like 2% of the time, but go back and read some previous posts. I'm pretty sure they taught me more about life than I taught them about English. Coconuts are not sweet on the inside: If they're green and straight off the tree, don't drink it. Seriously. It's like salty water. 

Khmer coffee is DELICIOUS: The coffee itself has this nutty kind of taste and then they pour an INSANE amount of sweetened condensed milk in and stir it up. You can get it hot or cold and from almost any street vendor or coffee shop. And it's heavenly. Just ask for coffee with milk and be prepared to fall in love.  

Air conditioning is a gift. Don't take it for granted: No one has an air conditioner in Cambodia. Seriously. It's too expensive and kind of impractical because it would be on all day, everyday and at full-blast. Plus, everyone has adapted to the warm climate and gets cold with the air conditioner. So being back in America has been a real treat. I actually get a little cold in my house now.

When you're singing from the heart, no one cares if you sound awful: No matter how many times I said no... No matter how many times I told my boys that I didn't sing... I always ended up singing worship songs for them as they tried to learn them. But you know what? They may have laughed and made fun of me when I couldn't hit the high notes, but they came back the next day singing it at the top of their lungs. Then I would sing off-key and they would sing with broken English. And guess what. It was always a beautiful sound y'all.

The Khmer kiss is not a kiss at all: Okay. Grab a friend. Purse your lips a tiny bit. Put your nose against their cheek. And sniff them really fast and kind of hard. Yes. You read that right. That is a Khmer kiss. Sarah and I thought people just really liked smelling babies here in Cambodia but then we found out that they were kissing them. Neat huh? So go and Khmer kiss all your friends, you'll give em quite a jump.   

He makes beautiful things: I struggled a lot with body image this summer due mainly to the fact that all Khmer people are TINY. But I was reminded everyday of how beautiful I really am. I was reminded everyday of how beautiful we all are. As I reflect on my time in Cambodia, I have come to the conclusion that all I want is for my heart and my passions to be the most beautiful thing about me.

Drink water whenever you can and always take free water: The water is not clean here and so water bottles are the norm when it comes to your daily drinking of water. Since you can't guarantee you'll be somewhere with clean water, always fill up your water bottles when you come across a water filter. And always take free water bottles. Hoarding water bottles is not a bad thing y'all.

Cold showers are underrated: It was just wayyyy too hot for a hot shower. I now love cold showers. Plus, cold showers are better for your hair. So save your locks and enjoy a nice chilly rinse.  

Squatty potties: No comment. 

Generosity is not a material thing: Kinda like my lesson on hospitality, generosity was shown to me daily. I began to realize that generosity isn't about how much money you give to a certain charity or the amount of food you give to a homeless person. Being a generous person means that you're giving all that you have, even if you have nothing. I was offered the best seat in the house, whether that was a dirt floor or a plastic chair. I was always offered food, even if they didn't have enough to feed their family. I was offered the fan, the nest food, the car, the room to take a nap. And even when they didn't have anything, they offered a hug or words. They offered themselves; their heart. Real generosity is about giving all of your heart. And it's beautiful.   

It's okay to have dirty feet: Dirty feet mean that you're going into people's homes and building relationships. You have community. 

Durian: Don't smell it. Don't taste it. That is all.  

Live in the moment and you'll see God's daily arrival: You can't be focused on tomorrow. Or even on the next hour. I learned to leave school at school and home at home. When you're completely in the moment, God is able to use all of you. 

If you can't read the nutritional label, it's probably healthy for you: My philosophy when it came to buying snacks. Can't ready the fat content? Fat free! Can't read the sugar content? Sugar free! Smart? Nah. Enjoyable? Absolutely. 

I am not teacher material: The majority of the females in my family are teachers, but I don't think I'll be following in their footsteps. I loved it butttttt can't say I want to make a career out of it. Sorry y'all.

It's a good to be homesick for Heaven: I was extremely homesick the first couple of days until it hit me one afternoon. *BAM* Live in the moment. I was going to get to go home eventually, why not live it up in Cambodia until then? I was living in Cambodia for crying out loud... I needed to make the most of it! I then also realized how I should be longing for Heaven. I ached to go home, to see the people I loved dearly, to share laughter and joy, and to just be home. Isn't that how I should feel about Heaven. I  should long to be Home, to see my Father, to sit at his feet, to feel indescribable joy, and to be with those whom I hold most dear. It was a great realization and one that I will hold onto forever.

A Letter From Srun:

Dear Teacher Cassie.

Latter from my fill, when I did stadeid with teacher. I am happy, when I stady with teacher, and I like teacher and I love teacher somuch and I want to speak english with you. I want to give you stay here along time. When you go back don't forget me. I miss you, when you go back. I don't know when you go back. When I meet you againt. I hope, I will meet you againt. Sorry, teacher sometime, I didn't study english. Teacher difficult you hard and angry with me, but you didn't spoked. I am sorry, I speak trus. Last time, thank for teach me and I wish you good luck. I am not forget you. Thank teacher somuch. I love you and I miss you somuch. By by. I love teacher. See you latter. From Kim Srun. *signed with a heart drawn next to his signature*

*My attempted translation*

Dear Teacher Cassie,

Letter from my heart. *I honestly have no idea what he was trying to say* I was happy when I studied with the teacher. I liked the teacher when I studied and I loved her so much. I want to speak English with you. I want you to stay here a long time. Don't forget me when you go back. I will miss you when you go back. I don't know when you go back, but I hope I will meet you again. Sorry teacher, sometimes I didn't study English. Your class was difficult and hard. I know you were angry with me but you never said that you were. I am sorry, but I only speak the truth. Once again, thank you for teaching me and I wish you the best of luck. I will never forget you. Thank you so much teacher. I love and miss you so much. Goodbye teacher, I love you. See you later, Kim Srun.

I hope that made you chuckle and warmed your heart as much as it warmed mine.
Sheesh I love those boys.


Okay, I really am saying bye now. My friends all make fun of me because I'm the absolute worst at goodbyes. I always drag them out and make them entirely too long...

I just really hate saying goodbye. 
Like reeeeeally hate it. 



Okay seriously.
This is me saying goodbye.

Two months and a foreign country later...
All I can say is:

Oh, how He loves us.




I love you all to the moon and back.
And as Srun would say,

See you latter.
Cassie

Change or No Change?

[Sunday July 28, 2013]

Today is an important day in Cambodia. 

It's Election Day.

Yesterday, millions of people headed back to their hometowns in preparation for today's voting. You may think that this is a normal election, but it's a little different this year. Please forgive me for my limited knowledge, but I will try my best to effectively share what I know. 

So Cambodia is a constitutional monarchy and is headed by a King, Queen, Prime Minister, and parliament. *and probably some more officials, I'm just not to familiar with them* King Father recently passed away, but he was one of Cambodia's greatest, most "people-first" kings and was loved by the people here. His son has now stepped up and assumed his crown. So there is now the King, Queen Mother, and Hun Sen. *Prime Minister* Hun Sen represents the Cambodian People's Party and has been in power for like 20-something years. *I think* He is very appreciated by the older generation here due to his success in restoring Cambodia after it was nearly destroyed by the Khmer Rouge. But he's not too well-liked by the younger generation. They see only the corruption and in justice that Hun Sen has caused and want to change it. Okay so switch over to the opposing party, The National Rescue Party. Sam Raisny is a 64 year old Cambodian politician and loved by a lot of Cambodia's people. He became a member of the Funcinpec Party *another small party here* in 1992 and was elected into parliament the following year. He founded his own party *Sam Rainsy Party* in 1998 and was elected back into parliament. In 2005, he went into self-imposed exile to avoid being arrested. A vote in the National Assembly removed his parliamentary immunity and he was faced with multiple criminal defamation charges due to his accusations of corruption and fraud against the Cambodian People's Party and Funcinpec. He also accused Hun Sen of being behind a 2004 murder of a union leader. So basically, Hun Sen has all the power and ran Sam Rainsy out of the country. Many embassies became worried that that the government was just trying to silence the opposition party. He was sentenced to 18 months in prison as well as $14,000 in fines and compensation. He came back to Cambodia from 2006-2009, led a protest at the Cambodia-Vietnam border, was charged with racial incitement and destruction of property, failed to show up at court, fled the country, and has been in self-imposed exile since then. On July 12th, the King granted a royal pardon to Rainsy and allowed him to come back to Cambodia but he's not not eligible for this election. On the 19th *the day we went out to the countryside with Sharon and the girls* Rainsy returned to Cambodia. And let me tell ya. The streets were CRAZY. The people were so excited to have him back and he walked down a main street from the airport, waving and shaking everyone's hands. Because Rainsy can't run for office, he has now affiliated himself with the National Rescue Party. 

So with all that being said, this election is a little different this year. There is something in the air and everyone can feel it. It's like this excited whisper. 

There is this hope that things can change. The campaign parades are loud and crazy and everyone is cheering and waving and holding up numbers. Supporters of the Cambodian People's Party all hold up the number 4 *that's what number they are on the ballot* and supporters of the National Rescue Party hold up the number 7. Throughout the street you can here a cheer that is being yelled by everyone; people in the parades, shop owners that step outside to watch the processions, and even the little naked toddlers on the streets.

"Change or no change?" they yell. 

Change or no change?

Does Cambodia have a brighter future? 

Is there a chance that the corruption will stop?

Will there be a change?

Sarah and I will stay inside today and Cambodia will go to the polls.

Tomorrow the country will be full of black fingers *they dip them in ink to show who has voted and who hasn't yet* and we will know if there has been a change or no change. So tonight, my prayer is for this country. I pray that God's will be done. I pray that there will be peace and comfort and that Cambodia's future will be a bright one. 

Love you all,

Cassie 

Blessed

[Thursday 25, 2013]

It.

Is. 

Finished. 

Today was day 46 in Cambodia. 

And it was our last day of teaching. 

We taught a session in the morning and then had an ice cream party in the afternoon. Much better than English class right? Yeah, we thought so too. But more on that later.

These past few days have been interesting. I somehow turned into a Bible-Government-English-teacher and I'm not entirely sure how that happened. *The government teacher part is due to the election that is taking place on Sunday and the students interest in how to discuss it in English* I decided that it would be really great to get my students reading aloud in order to work more on pronunciation. We grabbed the only English bibles that I could find at the moment *those little orange Gideon's bibles* and jumped in. They chose to begin in Matthew chapter 3 and so they all took turns reading 5 verses aloud and then looking for words in the previously read verses that they didn't know or understand the meaning of. Well it was a great system except that I have no idea how to explain the meaning of some words. And how do you define a word that means one thing but is being used in a different way. How on earth do I teach metaphors? And how do I explain what "doth" means? This continued on all week and we somehow made it out alive y'all. Somehow. We reached the Beatitudes and I had a realization. I don't know what it is, but everything is so much more "real" in Cambodia. The sky is bluer, grass is greener, fruit tastes sweeter, I laugh from my inner most being, and I realize things that I should have known all along. It's not like I'm learning brand new things everyday, it's more like I just diving in deeper. And I love that. 

So we got to Matthew 5 and I knew what was coming next. I dreaded having to give the definition for meek and trying to explain to them what being poor in spirit meant because I honestly don't know sometimes. But as I listened to the boys read, it hit me. Another "dive in deeper" moment. See, when they saw the word "blessed" they didn't read it the way I've grown up hearing it. *bless-ed* They saw the word "blessed" so they said the word "blessed"... as in blessings.  

Then it all made sense.

Being "bless-ed" wasn't something that you had to earn.  

I've grown up thinking *without necessarily realizing that I thought this way* that these Beatitudes were some nearly unachievable goal that you wanted to reach in order to be "bless-ed." In order to be given a gold star or a checkmark on the chart. It was like I was saying, "Yeah okay God, I'm going to try my hardest to be poor in spirit because I'd really like to end up in heaven." When in actuality He is saying "You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of Me and my rule." Or "Okay God, I won't be reeeeally sad when I'm sad because I know you'll take care of me." That's not it at all. He is saying, "You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you." Or. "Meek, God? what does that even mean?" His response? "You're blessed when you're content with who you are-no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourself as a proud owner of everything that can't be bought."

*I would like to give full credit to The Message for the verses* 

So yeah. 

It took like 14 twenty year olds to help me realize that I'm not aiming for this perfect score. I'm being richly blessed by my Father in heaven that loves me very much and wants nothing more than to have a relationship with me. 

I'm not trying to be bless-ed. 

I'm being blessed day after day. 

Who's the Bible teacher now, huh?

After our morning class was over, my students asked me to pray one last time. This prayer consisted of me thanking God for the opportunity that I had this summer and for my students and for their wisdom and brains and huge hearts. Of course, I teared up a bit and my voice may or may not have cracked. But hey. I didn't care. 

After lunch we recruited Chanty and Roth to take us to the store to buy ice cream for our party that afternoon. Well our quick trip to the store kind of turned into a 2 hour *or so* adventure and hunt for ice cream. We went to Dairy Queen and Swenson's and even a huge supermarket. Dairy Queen didn't sell tubs of ice cream and their cakes were too expensive for the number of people we were feeding. Swenson's was expensive but the amount of ice cream we would be buying made it worth it... except that it was all one flavor. We decided to jump across the mall *Swenson's and the supermarket were in a mall* and check out the varieties and prices in the supermarket. After about 15 minutes if deliberating and calculating, we headed back to Swenson's to by the huge tub. Well when we returned there was some confusion and they told us that the price increased by $10. Uh. Okay? W stood there and listened s Roth and Chanty took the reigns and attempted to make sense of the situation. By the end of the conversation, we found out that the tubs weren't for sale. Back to the supermarket for the four of us *but not without buying sundaes for our wonderful escorts.  

So we ended up with 6 containers of ice cream: 2 vanilla, 2 chocolate, 1 chocolate chip, and 1 strawberry. Oh and don't forget the bottle of chocolate syrup. 

Phew. 

We survived the ice cream excursion and laughed the whole way home. Our friends are so wonderful here. We made it back to the school all in one piece and made sure all the ice cream was put away. Sarah and I were then taken back to the hotel to rest until our ice cream party that was scheduled for 4:00. 

The part was a success and they ate nearly all the ice cream. There was only a little left in the second chocolate and vanilla. Hooray for ice cream! 

We taught the children for the last time and even received a HUGE hug from one of the older girls. Sarah and I looked at each other and we both had tears in our eyes. Seriously y'all. The absence of physical affection has been hard. 

After class, we took Sokhom and Srey Nang to Viva for a thank you dinner. We enjoyed a nice Mexican meal, *Srey Nang got a steak... She's not a fan of Spanish cuisine*  visited for a while longer, and then headed back. 

And now here we are. 

Our English teaching career has come to an end. 

What? 

It honestly feels like we've only been here for like a week and a half. I can't believe that we'll be leaving in 6 days. It's surreal. 

I. Am. So. Blessed. 

This summer has been incredible. It has been full of tears and peaks and valleys and food and sickness and laughing and language and joy and miscommunication and it has been the best summer of my life. No doubt. 

I can't imagine having to say goodbye to these beautiful people in 6 days. 

But for the next 6 days, I pray that I can pour love and encouragement into them. 

They deserve every bit of it. 

Goodnight friends. I love you all and I'm so blessed to have you.

Cassie 

Assertiveness and Self-Control: Fruits of the Spirit?

I only have 3 more days of teaching.

3.

Days. 

Holy cow. 

The past week was full of fun and friends and food. Monday we taught our wonderful students. On Tuesday, Shanleigh and Mallory came out for the afternoon and watched us teach the students and then the children. They also got to experience one of our frequent walks to the riverside with the students, as well as enjoy a traditional meal prepared  by Srey Nang. Wednesday and Thursday were pretty typical. Then on Friday, we joined the girls and Sharon on their trip to the countryside to feed the children in various villages. It was really neat to see what they get to do every other day. The kids were wonderful and beautiful and joyful. It was such a great day and we even got to climb a million stairs to a Wat and enjoy a breathtaking view of the countryside from atop a mountain. That night, Sarah, Mallory, Shanleigh, and I ventured out *got lost for an hour* and searched Phnom Penh for Mike's Burger House. We eventually found it and enjoyed a DELICIOUS burger as well as great conversation with Mike himself. He even gave us complementary nachos. And we got pictures with him. And we are now on his Facebook page. Love that guy. The girls spent the night at our hotel and we slept in, enjoyed a breakfast *fried rice and pork* at the top of our hotel, and then made our way to the hotel pool. Lucky for us, the one day that we wanted it to be hot and sunny, it was cloudy and windy and cool. But we made the most of it and enjoyed relaxing poolside. After "swimming" we headed to the Russian Market for a little more souvenir shopping and then enjoyed a nice lunch/dinner at a local *and favorite* coffee shop. The girls stayed with us again and we all attended church at Sokhom's in the morning. *Sharon, Dennis, Theary, their daughter-in-law, and grandson were also there* After church we met Natalie and Andrew for lunch at a wonderful middle eastern restaurant and enjoyed a meal of *too much* hummus and bread and wraps *gyros* and falafel. After lunch, Andrew said goodbye and we ran some errands. We stopped in a little shop and paid for a $1 manicure and then headed to the movie theater where Natalie had reserved tickets for us. This movie theater was a little different from the one in the mall. It was in a residential area. Actually it was in a house itself. You walked in the gate and then up the stairs. You removed your shoes and then walked through this hallway and into a lounge area. It reminded me a lot of Monks *coffee shop in Abilene* and I was immediately in love. We paid for our tickets *$3.50* and then made our way into the movie room where you could choose to sit in couches our recline on the cushions on the floor. We chose the floor and settled in to watch the movie. It was called "Unfinished Song (Song for Marion)" and I literally cried the whole time. It was one of the best movies that I've ever seen. You have to find it. It's like "Pitch Perfect" except it's a British film and it's with old people. It is amazing. *side note: there is some language* It may change your life. Maybe. Natalie drove us back to our hotel and we had a wonderful conversation about culture shock and fitting in and living in a different country. She is seriously one of my favorite people ever. SUCH an inspiration. 

So anyways. 

We've been a little busy lately trying to fit everything in before we leave. 

And I don't want it to sound like I've been goofing off this last week and don't even care about teaching anymore, because that is the furthest thing from the truth. We just found our groove and now it's life for us. Which I'm so grateful for. Our days are routine and I was telling you about the different non-routine things that we did last week. Okay. I'm done justifying myself. 

Moving on.

I've learned a lot of things in Cambodia. 

Maybe not learned entirely new things, but my knowledge about certain things has grown that's for sure. Here's a recent lesson. 

Assertiveness vs. Self-Control. 

I am not an assertive person. 

At all. 

But I like to lie to myself and say that I am. I like to think I'm confrontational and when asked what I want to do, I like to think I can easily answer. But I'm not confrontational and I hate telling people what I want. Why run the risk of making someone unhappy when you can just let them choose? This past year, I've been going to counseling to work on some anxiety/OCD/control issues as well as learning how to not be held captive by other people's expectations of me. *or the expectations I assume people have of me* It has totally rocked and I'm proud to be a success story. I can sign autographs later. Everyone should go to counseling. I'm serious. It rocks. 

Anyways, I've always had trouble standing up for myself and saying no... which can easily lead to my time, energy, money, etc. getting taken advantage of. Shocking right? Well I have found this idea of assertiveness to kind of be a theme here in Cambodia. You want a tuk tuk ride? Go get you a tuk tuk. He's asking for too much money? Try to pay the least amount. He won't go as low as you want him to? Go find another tuk tuk. The lady at the market is asking too much for the purse? Tell her you'll only pay $3. She won't go lower than $4? Walk away and find another bag at a different shop. 

After all, you are the paying customer.

This is all great and haggling is expected here, but this is not the environment that I particularly thrive in. The tuk tuk driver is asking for $5 and yes, it's a little steep and you could probably find a cheaper driver, but he has a family to feed and this is his job, so what's a couple of dollars? The lady is asking for $4 but you really only want to pay $3. But this is her job. She hardly makes any profit as it is. Will $1 really make a difference in your wallet? It's so easy to get caught up in the "limbo game" and it's fun to see how low you can go. *ha limbo, get it?* I have to admit, haggling can be fun and it's nice when you don't have to pay over $5 for anything. 

But are you being assertive?

Or are you taking advantage of someone?

Then there is a whole other side to the game. 

I'm automatically a target because I'm a foreigner. I get charged more at the markets, my tuk tuk drivers ask far too much, and I'm on every street-beggar's radar. The police tried to make me pay to enter Wat Phnom... guess what you don't have to pay to go to a city Pagoda. The police were trying to take advantage of me. I'm a foreigner and so I'm assumed to have more money. Unfortunately, I don't have a ton of money and I hate when people take advantage of me. 

So where is the line?

Where is this fine line between taking advantage of someone and getting taken advantage of. Because wherever that line is, I need to be walking on it. 

It's all about balance. 

But how do we find balance in a world that is full of corruption? Who do we listen to in order to find out what is right and what is wrong? How do I know how much is too much for a tuk tuk ride? When can I tell if a lady is asking for way more than what the purse is worth?

Marie-Clair taught her Bible study lesson over this very idea in Siem Reap the other week. She talked about right and wrong and how we know which is which and who teaches us the difference. Can you imagine asking a group of girls that hardly know Christianity and are living in unimaginably corrupt country this question? I live in a free country where everyone has equal opportunities. Yes, there are still people that get taken advantage of and there is still a lot of injustice. But it's nothing compared to here. Do you know how foreign equality sounds to me right now? 

I'm still learning how to be assertive while maintaining self-control. 

I'm still learning how to walk that tight rope between the two. 

The best solution comes from straight out of the Bible. *duh* In 1 Thessalonians, there is a verse that talks about loving and serving God wholeheartedly. Like with your ENTIRE heart. If you love and serve Him, with all that you have, there is no question that He will bless you with the wisdom and heart to serve others while still respecting yourself. 

Obviously, I'm still learning. 

It's just another observation I've made.

in other news.

It's hard to digest that we'll be leaving Cambodia in 9 days. 

It's kind of like camp. You're so pumped to be there and you make all of these amazing friends and you want to stay there forever. But then the end of the week comes and you shove everything back into your suitcase and hug all your friends and tell each other that you'll keep in touch and then you go home. And the whole way home you're depressed. But then you get home and you're mom washes all the mud out of your socks and she makes you bathe. You have a nice meal full of the fruits and veggies that you had been successfully avoiding all week. And you hug your parents and climb into your own bed, under your own covers and it's okay. Yeah. You're sad about leaving. But you're so happy to be home. And there's always the excitement for next summer and the chance that you'll see all your camp friends again. 

And that's kind of how I'm feeling right now. 

Anticipating the flood of emotion. 

Happy, sad, lonely, depressed, angry, excited, relieved, exhausted, overjoyed, and comfortable. And I'm not too entirely sure if I like the thought of feeling some of those emotions. 

But I know I will feel them all and probably many more. 

So I'm getting ready. 

Until then, here's to enjoying CampBodia for 9 more days. 

Love you all more than you know,

Cassie 

Beautiful Things

[July 17th] 

Hello all. 

I would just like to clarify something from my last post. 

It's not like I get my self-esteem lowered all day, everyday. 

It's actually the opposite. 

My students are so sweet and are constantly complimenting me.

I get sweet notes on the board.

I'm reminded that I'm a good teacher. 

And I feel so loved everyday. 

Today, one of them said that he bet I had a lot of boyfriends in America since I was so beautiful. 

HA.  

Step up your game American boys. 

So all that to say, don't worry. I'm not depressed at all. 

It's actually the exact opposite...

I was talking to Sarah tonight about joy. I know, I know, I talk about it a lot. But seriously. It's a type of joy that I've never experienced before. I honestly have no idea how to explain it, but I'll try my best.

I like to laugh and have a good time. 

Who doesn't right? 

I would say that I am a generally happy person. 

But this summer I have discovered that being joyful and being happy are two different things... An argument that I *ironically* had with a friend right before I came to Cambodia. I argued that being happy and being joyful were the same thing. And he argued that happiness was a fleeting emotion. Boy, was I wrong. 

So this is me apologizing for my ignorance.

You won that debate. 

You know who you are. 

It's weird seeing yourself change. 

Now, when I laugh, it's from the heart. I have this feeling that bubbles up and out and overflows and I can't even imagine trying to contain it. It's really indescribable and the only thing I can really say about this feeling is that it's absolutely real. 

When I talk with the people here, I want to know them.

I have to be intentional.

I long to be intentional.

The relationships that I have built here are so real and pure and full of joy. 

Being in Cambodia has changed me. 

God has used this time to change me.

I've been away from family and friends and all other distractions. And no, I'm not hating on the people that I love. I just sometimes care too much about what other people expect of me and spend so much time trying to maintain perfect relationships with people. Therefore, God is put on the back burner. A lot. But He has revealed himself in so many ways here. 

I see clearer here. 

I feel more here. 

Being in Cambodia has help remind me what true passion feels like.  

God has given me a new spirit of joy. 

And I am forever grateful for it. 

Beautiful. 

That's definitely a word that I would choose to describe my life over here. 

All the sights, smells, sounds, and tastes come together to make one giant beautiful picture. Sure, they aren't all wonderful. The smell of durian makes me want to vomit, the garbage on the street is not appealing, the constant honking of tuk tuk drivers and motos give me headaches, and the taste of fish sauce is not my favorite thing in the world. But they are necessary pieces to the puzzle that makes up my summer here in the Kingdom of Wonder. And I wouldn't dare leave out any piece. 

Guess what. That's how God sees it too. 

We're broken.

And we reek with the sin. 

And we whine and complain. 

And we're bitter. 

But God chooses us. 

He takes the broken and smelly and ugly and dirty. 

He picks us up and dusts us off. 

And when we all come together?

We are his prize. 

We are beautiful. 

You make beautiful things out of dust. 

You make beautiful things out of us. 

Sorry that this post was all over the place.

I just have a lot of thoughts and I want to remember how I feel about everything. 

I don't want to lose it. 

I love you all so very much,

Cassie 

Shapes

Our second to last Monday of teaching is OVER.

Wow. 

Yesterday was wonderful. 

We woke up and went to church. Chanty taught the children and so Sarah and I were able to sit and worship in "big church." It was all in Khmer, but beautiful none the less. Sokhom told us the verses and subject matter of his lesson so we were able to get a grasp of it even though it was all in Khmer. He preached out of 2nd Corinthians and discussed what it means to build the church. 

After worship and then Bible class, we helped chop onions for lunch. Lunch was delicious and consisted of an omelette type thing and yes, you guessed it, rice. 

After lunch, Sarah and I were dropped off at the hotel where we immedieately began cleaning up the place. We had planned to hang out with Natalie all day and she was coming to pick us up so we wanted our home to be a little more presentable. Nothing wrong with that right? Plus, it had been a month and a week and we still hadn't swept our floors. No worries, it's now squeaky clean. 

Natalie came and got us and we headed to one of her favorite little coffee shops where she treated us to drinks and we devised a plan for the afternoon. We sipped on our drinks and came up with a list of activities. 

First stop? 

Thai massages. 

Natalie knew of a great place and so we made our way there. We arrived and decided on an hour long traditional Thai *full body* massage in a group room. 

It was heavenly. 

I had never gotten a massage before and I must admit that I'm a little sore today. But it rocked. And we only paid $8 for that thing. 

Ahh I love the prices here.

I don't want to go home and pay more. 

After our massages, we tried out a New Mexican restaurant for dinner. We got there and realized that it was more of a Chilean restaurant rather than Mexican, but it was delicious and it was so fun to be with the Hayes. *Andrew met us for dinner*  I feel like we've come so far from the Cassie and Sarah that they met that first week we were here in Phnom Penh. At least I hope we've changed and gotten better. 

After dinner, Natalie brought us home and showed us how to turn on our gas for our stove. Seriously y'all. She is a LIFESAVER. I have no idea what we would do without her. 

We said our thank you's and goodbyes and made plans to get together next weekend too. Natalie loves movies and I think I hear the theater calling my name. 

Hooray for Sunday! 

Monday is over now. 

Today we learned about shapes and prepared a type of presentation thing for our guests tomorrow. Mallory and Shanleigh are coming to spend the afternoon with us and just kind of experience "a day in the life of." It will be so fun and we are so excited! Some of the students also took Sarah and I on a type of field trip. We went to the Royal Palace, Wat Phnom, and Diamond Island. It was so fun and it just reminded me of how much I love them. Seriously. 

They are the best. 

On a different note.

I try to blog straight from the heart and literally just type what I'm thinking. Which is kind of a strange concept. I mean, it's like my diary is on the Internet and anyone can read it. Kind of weird. But I like having an outlet. And you don't have to read it if you don't want to. But the whole blogging concept is kind of strange...  

Anyways.

All of that to say that I'm completely honest in my blog.

Butttt I haven't been completely honest with you about a certain struggle. 

Two words. 

Body image. 

Believe me. I hate those words as much as you do. They are over used and over done. Every girls' conference has a lesson on it, every girls' class at church camp says the same thing, and *sadly* I get so tired of hearing Proverbs 31 recited to me every time I mention that I'm doubting myself.

I know I'm not supposed to care what I look like.

I know my beauty comes from what's on the inside.  

I know charm is deceptive. 

I know beauty is fleeting. 

I know that I'm supposed to be happy with how I was created. 

After all, I'm a daughter of the King. 

But the devil takes many shapes. 

And he constantly makes me hate my shape. 

From ballet class to soccer to cross country to volleyball to track to basketball to my week as a pole vaulter to swimming, I've never been "good" at any of it. 

I wasn't a tiny little ballerina. 

I scored 3 goals in my entire soccer career. 

I came in last. Every. Race. 

I was on C team for every sport all during middle school. 

I never even got off the ground as a pole vaulter. 

The list could go on and on. 

The point is that I've always doubted myself. 

I've never been good enough.

Or pretty enough.

Or skinny enough. 

Yes, it has gotten A TON better through the years and I've been able to laugh at myself. I'm confident in my character and in my morals and beliefs. I know how I want to live everyday and who I want to live my life for. But I would be telling a big ol' lie if I said I still didn't struggle with negative thoughts whenever I look into a mirror. 

Everyone does. 

We all have our good body image days.

We all have our really bad days. 

And being in Cambodia is no different. 

Maybe I thought being away from friends and pressures and America in general would help me forget that I sometimes hate the way I look, but sadly it hasn't. 

Satan knows how to get to me. 

And he does. 

Everyone here is tiny. And when I say tiny, I mean TINY. Sarah and I are taller than all of our students with the exception of like 3. It doesn't shock me anymore when the older women that we visit make comments about how my age and my size don't match up in Cambodia. I'm getting used to being referred to as big. When I'm offered two stacked plastic chairs to sit on instead of one, I've learned to not fight it. 

I just hate having to constantly tell myself that it's an entirely different world here and remind myself not to take it personally. Why should I have to remind myself. I should know. I should let it roll off my shoulders. These people are saying these things, but they don't mean them in an offensive way at all. But I take it personally and Satan gets in. 

But I'm learning. 

I just wanted everyone to know that Satan is a shape shifter and will do whatever it takes to get inside your head. 

Please don't think that I'm a girl that sits in her room and cries. Because I'm not. It's like I said before. People just have really good days and really bad days. And if you're human, you know what I mean. 

It's just sometimes harder to have good days when Satan keeps reminding you how easy it is to hate yourself. 

But that's when I just flip over to my favorite Psalm *34* and remind myself that when I look to God, my face will never be covered in shame. I will be radiant. And that's all that people will see. And that's all that matters. 

So here's to all the shapes out there. 

The different shapes I taught my students today. 

The different body shapes that people have.

And the people that God is shaping and molding us into the person he desires.

I pray we can stop looking around and comparing ourselves to everyone else. 

I pray that we can begin looking up. 

Because when we look to Him, our faces are not once covered in shame.

Or doubt.

Or insecurity. 

And it's then that we become absolutely radiant. 

Love you all to the moon and back,

Cassie 

Cambodia: 2 Cassie: 0

We just finished our fifth Saturday in Cambodia and our sixth Saturday abroad. Time flies when you're teaching English. And having fun too. 

We woke up this morning and made our way downstairs to use the wifi to FaceTime our families. The "White" side of my extended family *my dad's side since everyone's last name is White.. no I'm not racist* is all together and enjoying our annual White Family Vacation that we take every summer. I'm so sad that I'm missing it, but I was able to FaceTime them and say hi to everyone. It was glorious and I almost cried. I'm so incredibly blessed to have all 21 *with a baby on the way* of them play active roles in my life. It was such an encouragement to see them all and chat for a minute. My entire family *mom and dad's side* is full of love and laughter and incredible support. I would not be half the person that I am today if it wasn't for there constant encouragement. I am so blessed by my family. And while I'm on this subject, I would like to give a HUGE thank you to all of the encouraging emails and blog comments that I've gotten. I'm so grateful for each and everyone of you and it is so wonderful to have you all in my life. I could not have come to Cambodia without you and your encouragement is helping me live my life to the fullest here. 

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

So back to the story. 

After worship, we hit the streets with the students to hand out clinic visit tickets and evangelize. We set out with Sythourn, Cham Nan, Srun, Synat, Roth, and Kia. Instead of turning left and going to the neighborhood we went to last time, we turned right and entered a new neighborhood. It was still primarily Islamic and bustling with people. We maneuvered in out and in between the shack-houses ducked under clotheslines. We came to our first stopped and met with an elderly woman with a shaved head. The students had explained to us earlier that shaved heads are a sign of mourning and they would be shaved prior to a family members' funeral. We assumed she had just lost her husband and now lives with her son. The students spoke with her and answered questions she had about us. They taught us how to correctly say "my name is" and we introduced ourselves. She told that she was sorry that she didn't have any food to offer us, but we quickly assured we were just fine. We sat on her cot with her for a while longer and then said our goodbyes. We made our way to the next several houses but didn't really sit down and chat at any of them. Then we came across a woman sitting on her front porch with another younger woman. The younger woman was coining the older one.

Side note:

Coining is a medical practice here that consists of someone rubbing a type of medicated balm on your back, arms, neck, and chest. The balm is applied in a stripe-like pattern and then the metal lid of the medicine container is used to scrape over the lines repeatedly. The end results are red, tiger-like stripes all over your torso and healing from your ailment. *It seems to me like a "oh you have pain? Let's cause more pain somewhere else and take your mind of your initial pain" kind of thing...But that's just me* Our students are coined by Om *Khmer word for Aunt that we call Sokhom's sister* often for headaches and fevers and it looks extremely painful. 

Anyways, this woman was being coined because she had heart problems. She invited us to sit down and chat with her. The students explained to her that we were their English teachers and Christians. They told her that it didn't matter if she was Buddhist of Muslim, we love her anyways because Jesus loves us. In the middle of our discussion, a monk approached and the woman dug around for some Riel in order to contribute to the collection. She offered it and then bowed as he recited some kind of prayer in Khmer. It was very new to me and very interesting. After we visited for a while longer, we said goodbye and continued down the road. 

One of our lasts stop was at this hut where two women were preparing yams. They were very friendly and offered us a place to sit and rest. Roth immediately began evangelizing to them and Sythourn kind of filled me in on what was happening. He was telling them that we have no idea when we will die. Sythourn explained it to me as 

"We walk, walk,walk, but then we fall." 

We build up these huge lives for ourselves here and walk, walk, walk through life trying so hard to succeed by the world's standards, but then we end up falling. Things fail and crumble and whither away. We lose money and jobs and loved ones. We don't know how long we have here. We will die.

But that's what makes it so wonderful. 

We don't have long so we have to make everyday count.  

Life is just a vapor. 

It's just a breath.

Don't waste it. 

As I was watching Roth stand and tell these women how great our God is, I was flooded with emotion. *big surprise, I know* These students love The Lord so much and love sharing the good news. They have such compassion for people and it's an absolutely beautiful thing. 

Ahh heart to hearts and yams. 

I'm a fan. 

We finished up our walk and then headed back to the school. On the way back, Cham Nan began to ask us about peoples' faith back home. He asked if it was easy or hard to tell people about Jesus in America. Sarah and I struggled to find an answer. 

Yes?

No? 

We told him it wasn't hard because most people knew about him already. He kind of chuckled and agreed that it seemed a lot easier to do in America. 

I was immediately hit in the face. 

Again. 

Why was it so hard to evangelize in the states? Most people know at least a little about Christianity and yet, I find myself considering it to be awkward.

What?

My students are studying Bible in an Islamic neighborhood. Like 99.99% *exaggeration* of Cambodia is Buddhist and yet, my students still walk through neighborhoods. They still knock on doors. They still enter people's homes and sit in their rooms. They live and breath God and cannot wait to share him with people that have never even heard of him. 

If I have trouble teaching English to students that don't speak a different language but want to learn English, it's hard for me to imagine the difficulty of explaining an entire belief system to someone who has never even heard of Christianity and doesn't necessarily want to convert.  

We have it so easy y'all.

Why don't we take advantage of it more?

Once we got back to the school, Chanty drove us to the Russian Market so that we could meet Mallory and Shanleigh there and then just walk over to Dennis and Sharon's house. We arrived at the market and easily *unlike last time* with Shanleigh and Theary. We grabbed some more apples *Shanleigh was making an apple pie* and made our way back to the Welch's house. Theary let us help set the table and put the finishing touches on the meal she had prepared for us. She made lok lak *questionable spelling on that one* and chicken amok. Lok lak is a favorite of mine and Sarah's so we were pumped. The meal was DELICIOUS and Shanleigh's apple pie sealed the deal. It was a wonderful time of fellowship and discussion. 

After lunch we piddled around and then left to head to City Mall. We decided to catch the 4:00 pm showing of Despicable Me 2 at the movie theater. 

Now movie theaters are a tad different here. 

The tickets are priced between $3 and $5.

A small popcorn is rather big and costs $1.50. 

The seats are comfy and the room is HUGE. 

You have assigned seats and pick your spot when you buy your ticket. 

People wear heels and dresses to see a movie. 

People don't whisper during the movie. 

And I loved every part of it. 

Sure, we arrived to the movie theater 30 minutes early and found out that the 4:00 showing was sold out. And yes, we had to buy tickets for the 6:00 and kill 2 and half hours in a mall in Cambodia. 

But you know what? 

We had a blast.

We also learned that we are experts when it comes to killing time in a foreign mall. We may or may not have spent the majority of our time browsing the movie selection at the pirated movie store, as well as closely examining and guessing the content/ingredients of foreign snacks at the huge supermarket.

It was great.

The movie was incredible.

And the fellowship was wonderful.

Another beautiful Saturday spent with friends.  

I'm sure you're wondering why the title of this post is a score update. Well let me just tell you about it. I am currently suffering from some sort of eye infection. It's extremely painful and swollen and red and oozing yellow stuff... Yeah. Not too great huh? Sarah and I have many theories as to what it could be, but one of the theories is pink eye. There are several different types of pink eye and one type is caused by chemicals, pollution, or like excessive smoke. Well I'm around all of that 24/7 with all the pollution and trash burning and incense. So that may be it. Or maybe it's just an infection. 

Either way, Cambodia is still in the lead.

And I'm still trying to stay afloat. 

At least you can still stay afloat with one eye. 

Love you all,

Cassie   

Bittersweet Teeter-Tottering

[Written Friday the 12th]

Our week is over and that means only 9 more days of teaching. 

WHAT. 

My dad said it best today: 

"It seems like its been forever. But also like just yesterday. Weird."

Very true Dad.

It is weird. 

It's weird to think that I only have 19 days left in Cambodia. 

19 days left in the Kingdom of Wonder. 

*Yes that's the official slogan* 

I'm so excited to be home. 

To see my family.

And friends. 

And cat.

And eat American food. 

And sleep in my bed.

And lay out in the sun. 

And do nothing. 

But I'm going to miss Cambodia. 

I don't want to forget the taste of rice. 

Or the constant smell of insence. 

Or the 24/7 sweating.

Or fish sauce.

Or my students. 

Or the cold showers. 

Or all the naked babies. 

Or the the elderly with beautiful, toothless smiles.

Or tuk tuk rides. 

Or getting lost. 

Or how to speak the little Khmer that I know. 

Or Daniel and Cha Keo.

Or the sound of my students worshiping in Khmer. 

Or motorcycles stacked high with vegetables.

Or the smell of durian.

Or the insane traffic. 

The list could go on forever. 

The point is that I don't want to forget this place. 

I don't know what The Lord has planned for my future. 

Will I be back again next summer?

In a few years?

Will I ever return to Cambodia?

Will I see these sweet faces again?

I have absolutely no idea. 

When my students ask if I'm coming back next year or jokingly make comments like "well when you're here next time..." I'm torn. 

I don't know how to respond.

"Maybe."

"We'll see."

Would I come back if given the opportunity?

I love this place and these people more than words can say.

But could I do it all over again?

So this is me saying good night from a teeter-totter.

I cannot wait to be home. 

But I don't want to leave home.   

Love you all,

Cassie 

Find Me Somebody to Hug

Ahh I'm finally catching up in my blogging.

 

Falling behind in my blogging is starting to remind me of my year in cross country in 7th grade. I would always start out with a good pace and it always looked pretty good at the beginning. But then I would fall behind and come in last. Every. Single. Race. And no, that is not an exaggeration. Just ask my mom. 

So three cheers for catching up in my blogging. 

And three cheers for the fact that I am no longer in cross country.

Today is Wednesday and our second day back after our trip.

We requested Tuesday morning off so we could sleep in *until like 8* and then get some laundry done, as well as pay for our first month here in our condo. We got some chores done and then decided to be independent  and attempt to order pizza to have it delivered to the hotel. We researched it and grabbed a flyer off the front desk that advertised free delivery. It was the same restaurant that we ate at in Siem Riep and we knew how the sizes on the menu were deceiving, so we ordered 2 medium cheese pizzas to be delivered to our room. 

We were so proud of our communication skills *yes okay, they did speak English. But it was still hard, okay? Give us some credit* and waited excitedly for our pizza to arrive. 

Well it arrived. 

It. 

As in one pizza. 

Apparently they misunderstood my order of 2 pizzas.

So we did what any pizza-hungry person would do. 

We called and ordered again. 

And yes they knew who we were and asked why were ordering again. 

But guess what.

It was totally worth it. 

We ate every bite. 

After lunch and a quick nap, we were picked up by the tuk tuk to head to school. Cha Keo and Daniel were sitting in the back of the tuk tuk when we walked out of the hotel and they excitedly waved to us. I was so happy to see those sweet little faces. 

We made it to the school and hurried in. Everyone was so excited to see us and we were so excited to be back. My students told me how much they had missed me and I told them the exact same thing. I was so happy to see them all again. We practiced writing general sentences and all of their sentences had something to do with missing me. It was wonderful to feel missed. 

But it's kind of strange for me here sometimes. 

I'm a very affectionate person and I love giving hugs and being hugged and being close to people and just having that physical touch. Do you know what "love languages" are? If you don't, look it up and take the quiz. It's basically the different ways that you show love and the ways in which you feel most loved. Words of affirmation and physical touch are my top two ways to feel and show love. 

But here, there is absolutely no touching. 

It's very new to me. 

And hard. 

I just want to hug everyone and let them know how much I love them. But I can't because I would offend pretty much the entire population. 

So I turn to my other love language: words of affirmation. 

Well slight problem. I can't exactly communicate with them as much as I would like to. I can have really simple and seemingly shallow conversations and ask them how they are doing, but they will always answer "fine and you?" because that's how they've learned to respond in English. It's not their fault, emotions and feelings are just so abstract and so hard to explain. 

How do I speak to their heart?

How do I ask them how they are doing and let them know that I really mean it?

It's so hard. 

But I'm learning. 

I just want somebody to hug you know?

But I'm figuring out how to be more intentional in my relationships and more genuine in my conversations. And hopefully I'm teaching my students how to do the same. 

Tuesday ended and we were happy to get into our normal routine again. 

This morning came pretty early and we headed downstairs to wait for our ride. We made it to the school and I had my cup of coffee. I went into the classroom and began teaching. We talked about asking for favors and what a favor meant. I also explained the different ways you can ask for help. 

The vibes I was getting were not too comforting. 

They were having trouble understanding and they were tired. 

I was upset because I couldn't explain it and I had no idea how to. 

It was frustrating. 

I was discouraged. 

We struggled through some more attempts and then it was finally time for a break. 

I sat at my spot at the kitchen table and was quite upset.

I prayed for guidance.

The break was soon over and I went back in the classroom.

I made them come up and write sentences that were asking for favors. 

They seemed to kind of get it but I still had to attempt to explain a lot. 

The last student came up to the board and began to write.

He isn't too advanced in his English and he really struggles sometimes. He was asking his classmates for help in Khmer and they helped him organize and spell and get the point across. The end sentence was this:

Will you please come back next year and teach English?

Holy cow. 

And then it was all okay again. 

Yes I'm a really bad teacher sometimes.

But I love them so much.

And I am starting to realize that I am loved back.

I guess I don't have to have that many hugs after all.

This afternoon was much better and we worked on pronunciation and played a couple of games. I was encouraged again when Srun returned from his Provence *I hadn't seen him since last Wednesday* and cried out "I miss you so much" when he came into class. 

It will be okay.

Somedays, I can't teach. 

And that's okay.

My relationships are deepening.

And I'm absolutely praising God for that.  

It's 9:43 and Sarah is fast asleep.

I have no idea what I'm teaching tomorrow.

But everyday that I'm here, I'm learning how true Matt. 6:34 is. 

"Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself."

Amen. 

Blessings, 

Cassie 

Beyonce and Crying Behind Closed Doors

[Written Monday the 8th]

Hello friends!

It is currently 10:00 pm on Monday night. 

Late for us, I know. 

Tell me about it. 

We just got home from our vacation weekend in Siem Riep and we are exhausted. The normally 6 hour bus ride ended up taking like 11 hours. Okay so that might be a slight exaggeration, but it definitely took longer than it was supposed to. But we'll come back to that. 

Sunday we woke up and Sharon had Khmer coffee and warm banana bread waiting for us. It was glorious. Our tuk tuk arrived around 7:30 and made our way to Siem Riep Church of Christ for worship that morning. 

It was a pretty small church and the majority of the church was under the age of 12 I think. There is an orphanage nearby that is called Hanna's Hope and there are currently 32 children that live there and the majority of them attend *sit and squirm* church at Siem Riep Church of Christ. They are all so precious and we were able to hold some of these sweet babies during service. Worship was completely in Khmer *by the way, it's pronounced kuh-my* except for a few sentences of apology for it being all in Khmer. It was perfectly fine with us. We're used to having no idea what's going on. 

After service and class, we chatted with the congregation and Sharon introduced us to some wonderful couples. We met the McDonoughs who run a program here in Cambodia called The Ship of Life. Bill McDonough partnered with another man and founded Partners in Progress many years ago. PIP began Ship of Life and it's basically a giant boat that travels up and down the Mekong River and provides healthcare to people who are too poor to afford it. It's an absolutely amazing program and Bill and Marie-Claire are so precious. It was inspiring just hearing them briefly talk about what they do with the ship and for Cambodia's people in general. We also met Dan and Ravy *Rah-vee* Wilson. Dan is American and Ravy was born here in Cambodia. They both attend Sunset International School of Preaching in Lubbock but intend on graduating and moving to Cambodia by 2014. They are over here on an annual visit and are both studying at the Sunset branch here in Phnom Penh. They both care so deeply for the Khmer people and love this country. Before we met them, Mallory and Shanleigh told us all about them and she said it best: As soon as you introduce yourself to Ravy, you're instantly her best friend. And I love people like that. You want an example of people with big hearts, come meet this incredible couple. 

After chatting for a bit Ravy and Dan joined the 6 of us for lunch at The Blue Pumpkin. It was a wonderful lunch and we ended up staying there for another 2 hours just talking and encouraging one another. 

Marie-Claire was going to be leading a Bible study for the women at the church at 3:00 so we decided to surprise her and encourage her by also attending. We tuk tuked *new made up verb that refers to riding in a tuk tuk* back to the church and hid upstairs until she arrived. We tiptoed down the stairs and surprised her. She was so excited and we spread out to sit with the other women there. Of course, all of these women look like they are my sister's age, but most of them end up to be older than me. Marie-Claire taught about right verses wrong and how we know how to tell the difference between what the world is telling us and what God tells us. It was a wonderful lesson *taught in English with a translator* that definitely stepped on some of my toes. 

After the lesson, Ravy was asked to pray in Khmer. She apologized in advance and explained her lack of confidence in her Khmer *she doubts herself, but speaks wonderful Khmer* and then began praying. As she prayed, she started to cry and it was the kind of crying that came straight from the heart. I had no idea what she was saying, but it was beautiful. 

When she was done, we all headed outside to meet our tuk tuk. I hadn't even made it out the door when I was overcome with tears. Like I seriously could not stop crying. I wasn't sobbing, but if I had let myself, I would have right there. I was trying to hide it so people wouldn't think I was super unstable, but Theary quickly ran up to me and asked if I was okay. I tried to explain what was happening the best I could, but I didn't even know where to start. 

People are so beautiful. 

And sometimes I can't handle it.

Ravy spoke straight from her heart.

I had no idea what she was saying.

But it was so pure, and wonderful.

And I love people with big hearts. 

So yeah. Call me emotionally unstable.

At least I'm happy. 

I got my act together pretty quickly and then we hit the tuk tuks to head back to the hotel. We napped for the rest of the afternoon and then Sharon surprised us with tickets to a dinner show at 7:30. We arrived and walked into a giant dinning hall that was lit by lanterns and had super tall ceilings. The stage was huge and was at the front in the center. There were a million wood tables and a HUGE Khmer buffet off to the side. This place was pretty fancy. Theary guided us around the table and explained what different dishes, fruits, and veggies there were and we piled our plates high. We got back to the table and settled in to see the shows. It was such a fun show and we laughed and cheered and sat in awe of all the dancers. We stuffed our faces and then the show was over. 

We tuk tuked back to the hotel and decided to walk over to the night market again to get some much needed exercise after dinner, as well as pick up the last of our souvenirs. We chatted and laughed and had a great time together. We left around 10:00 and as we walked across the bridge, the lights turned off at the market to indicate closing time. We shut that market down, y'all. 

It was so fun. 

The next morning we woke up and Shanleigh, Sarah, and I met Sharon and Theary at a coffee shop they had found earlier that morning. Free wifi and air conditioning enticed us and we sat there for an hour, sipping our coffee and enjoying our social media. We finished our coffee and stalking and walked back to the hotel to pack. We packed and then walked around a corner to a cute little place called Upstairs Cafe. Seriously, it was the cutest thing in the world. We had a wonderful brunch and then met the bus station's shuttle back at our hotel. We picked up some more people and then headed to the bus station. As we were driving, our phone rang and I answered. It was the hotel and apparently they forgot to charge us for 3 nights. We registered *and thought we paid because we gave our credit card number* for 3 nights on their website and then 1 night on a travel website due to lack of room and space and blah blah. So basically a tuk tuk with the manager was racing to meet us at the bus station before our bus left.

It was like some kind of action/horror film that takes place in a foreign country.

We got to the bus station and were ushered over to our bus. The bus that they were telling us to get on did not match the one on our ticket and so Sharon and Theary were trying to figure out if this bus was even going to Phnom Penh and we were trying to keep the men from taking our luggage and putting it on the wrong bus. We were also keeping our eyes peeled for the tuk tuk with the manager on it. Theary tried to get the bus driver to wait for us until the tuk tuk arrived... 

Talk about a high-stress situation. 

We figured out the bus was going to Phnom Penh and our tickets weren't right but it didn't matter. The tuk tuk arrived at the very last second and we rushed him the money and jumped on the bus.

It.

Was.

Insane.

We survived and were on the road in no time. 

The next 6 hours were filled with Khmer music videos that told all about heartbreak and a whole lotta unfaithfulness on the wife's part. We had no idea what the songs were saying, but you could learn a lot by just watching them. Shanleigh and I had a lot of fun commentating and when the whole selection *like 30 or more songs* started over, we knew which ones were our favorite. Surprisingly, there were like 6 songs in English. They included Beyonce, some rap songs, Shakira, Jennifer Lopez, Justin Bieber, and Pitbull. As we sat and watched these familiar songs, I found myself feeling more and more uncomfortable. There was a HUGE difference between the Khmer songs and the English songs. The Khmer culture is extremely different from our culture back home. Girls are always very modest and hardly ever show skin above their knee. There is absolutely no signs of public affection between sexes. Boys can hold hands with other boys and girls can hold hands with other girls in order to show friendship, but there is no hand holding between couples. Not even if you're married. Some of the Khmer music videos were risqué and showed couples almost kissing, but there was always a new scene before they actually kissed. 

Compare that to the minimal clothing, bumping, grinding, and extremely sexual nature of our wonderful American music videos and you find yourself in a very uncomfortable position as an American who is a Christian. 

Me on the bus:

I sat and watched and prayed that it would switch back to the Khmer songs because I was feeling so ashamed. I was embarrassed to be a foreigner on that bus because I did not want to be associated with that behavior. 

Me at home on a normal day:

I love riding in the car with the windows rolled down, blaring all the new music on the radio, and singing at the top of my lungs. I love knowing all the new songs and learning all the lyrics so I can prove to everyone that I know that song and love it. 

Polar opposites huh?

I have never seen our pop culture from the other side and let me tell you, it was an awful experience. Don't get me wrong, I know when songs are not portraying a desirable message and when they are encouraging almost everything that I, as a Christian, am against. But I just tell my conscience to shut up and then go on blaring the song. 

Um what? 

I've always heard people talk about the trashiness and immoral behavior in today's music, but sheesh. It was so clear on that bus. 

And I was so ashamed to be from a society that supports that behavior. 

Please don't misunderstand me or take offense. I absolutely love music and still love music and will continue to love music. And I realize that not every popular song is bad and I'm not trying to hate on modern day artists and musicians. 

I had just never been on the other side before. Now that I'm living in a new culture and have become accustomed to a new way of life, I just see things from a different perspective. And it's a love/hate thing. I love having a new perspective and seeing my life differently. But it's kind of awful at the same time. You get your toes stepped on a lot. And it hurts. 

It rained a lot on the way home.

And when I say a lot, I mean a lotttttt. 

The bus driver started pulling over at different places a long the road and would let random people on our bus. There weren't enough seats so people sat in the aisle and stood by the door, but he would just keep pulling over and offering rides.

This was a very strange concept to me. These people didn't pay for a ticket. These people weren't even on their way to Phnom Penh. But they still kept getting picked up and dropped off along the way. Something like this would never happen in America. The good ol' Citylink has a tight schedule and makes no exceptions. But here I was watching a certain song being applied to real life. 

If our brother's in the road, we will stop and pick him up.

If our sister's in the road, we will stop and pick her up. 

 

You know the one you would always sing in Bible hour and it has those great hand motions? If you don't, just go find any person that was raised in the Church of Christ and have them sing it to you. 

Anyways. 

How cool is it that people actually do that?

People actually stop and pick their brothers and sisters up instead of just singing about it. It's not hard to open a door and let someone in. It's not hard to help someone get out of their own personal downpours. All you have to do is slow down and open the door. It was a really neat experience and I'm so glad I got to see it. 

One more story from our bus adventure. 

NOTE: THIS NEXT STORY IS CENSORED TO THE BEST OF MY ABILITY. IF YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH BATHROOMS IN A FOREIGN COUNTRY, PLEASE SKIP AHEAD.

 

I accomplished something great today. 

I used a "squatty potty" for the first time. 

Definition of a Squatty Potty: A hole in the ground that you use as a toilet. 

Yes. 

That is correct. 

Cassie White, queen of hygiene, used a squatty potty at a bus pit stop in the middle of Cambodia. And lived to tell the tale. 

I've been trying to stay super hydrated *because I sweat 24/7* and so that means drinking a TON of water. I had gone through like a liter and a half on the bus and was in dire need of a bathroom. Well we stopped at a pit stop *shack-awning-like structure where people sell questionable food and there is a bathroom* and I made a beeline for the bathroom. The "bathroom" was an outdoor hallway with metal stalls on either side. 

I looked in the first stall... no porcelain. 

I looked in the next stall... no porcelain.

It took me a few more stalls to realize that there were no white, shiny commodes in the vicinity. That's when I realized it was do or die. So I stepped in and didn't look back. Or down. 

I won't go into too much detail, but it was the most disgusting experience of my life. A couple of tears may have been shed. *hence the blog title: ...Crying Behind Closed Doors* And I used basically my whole bottle of hand sanitizer. 

I walked out and the girls were standing outside the hallway clapping for me. It was a big deal. And I was proud. 

We finally made it home and Theary made sure our tuk tuk driver knew exactly where he was going so we wouldn't get lost. Again. We said our goodbyes and made our way back to the hotel. 

We arrived safely and now here we are. 

Home sweet home. 

This weekend was an absolute blessing. From the beautiful fellowship, to the new friends that we met in Siem Riep, to the relaxation, and to the new, eye-opening experiences.. it was all wonderful. I'm so grateful for Sharon, Theary, Mallory, Shanleigh and Sarah. And I'm so grateful for new experiences and even bigger eyes. 

I don't know how many more eye-opening experiences I can have though... my eyes are getting pretty big. 

Just kidding.  

I'm loving the fact that my eyes are opened daily. 

Love you all so so SO much,

Cassie

Roots

Friday and Saturday in Siem Riep have come and gone.

And have both been wonderful days.

Friday morning, we woke up and headed downstairs to meet for breakfast. Well apparently our guesthouse's cook was busy... so no breakfast. We headed down the street and decided to grab breakfast at a pastry shop called Blue Pumpkin. It's a chain here in Cambodia and it is delicious. We had quiche and toast and fruit and eggs and lots of water and Khmer coffee of course. Then Sharon headed back to the hotel *she was still recovering from being sick last week* and we took a tuk tuk with Theary to the Cambodian Cultural Village. 

Once we got there, we explored the village and took MANY pictures of ourselves and the different displays. Then we watched a traditional Khmer dance and story telling program. After that we explored some more, shot some arrows at an archery station, and then headed over to another pavillion to watch a traditional Khmer wedding ceremony. And guess what. mallory was selected, out of the audience, *we draw attention to ourselves due to our skin color* to be the groom's mother. 

It was HILARIOUS.

She had to sit up on stage with the whole wedding party, the couple, the other parents, and the officiator *I don't think that's a word* person. Then she had to participate in the blessing of the couple, as well as the couple's "first dance." It was so funny and we laughed right a long with the crowd. 

After that show we still have 5 more hours of optional shows.. but we were exhausted. The heat wears you out completely here. 

We felt bad about leaving, but we were at that point where everyone was irritable and ready to lie down. So we headed back to the hotel and napped for 4 hours. 

After nap time we made our way down to the river and to a pizza joint and then next door for ice cream after. It was so wonderful. After dinner and dessert, we walked across the river *by bridge of course* and shopped for a long time in the night market. It was so fun! 

Plus all my souvenirs are now taken care of. 

Annnnd I've gotten pretty good at haggling. 

After the night market, we went back to the hotel and hit the hay. The next day was going to beat us down if we weren't careful. 

We all woke up around 4:15 am Saturday and made it downstairs by 4:35. We hopped in the tuk tuk and drove out to the Angkor Wat Temple complex. We *along with the rest of the world* made it to the front of Angkor Wat just as the sun was beginning to rise. The scene was breathtaking and everyone was scrambling to get the best shot with their camera. Listening to all of the accents was so fun and so humbling. I am so small and the world is so big. It's crazy.

After sunrise we set off to explore the actual temple of Angkor Wat. We explored for a long time and took a lot of pictures. After about and two hours, we made our way to some little shops and food carts by the front gate. We shared fried rice and fruit at 7:30 am and it was delicious. 

Once we were rejuvenated, we got back in the tuk tuk and rode to another temple in the complex. This one was called Bayon and is famous for it's huge faces carved into the rock. We explored, took a ton of pictures, and weaved in and out of tour groups. 

Once we were done, we waited for our tuk tuk driver by the gate of Bayon. 

That's when the monkeys came. 

It's so weird to see monkey's strolling along.

Not in a cage. 

It's kinda scary.

Especially because they are not afraid to steal food *or anything that resembles food* right out of your hands. This was demonstrated when Mallory opened her peanut butter crackers and a monkey jumped on her back in a attempt to grab the crackers. 

Monkey's are aggressive.

And their aggression is real.

Our tuk tuk driver finally showed up and we headed to the last temple that we had on our list. *I maybe making it seem like we rushed through the temples, but we didn't at all* The temple is called Tom Prong *I might have spelled that wrong* and it's one of the most famous ones. I'm sure you've seen pictures of it. It's the temple that is being eaten by trees basically. It was also where part of Tomb Raider *one word?* was filmed. 

And it was my favorite. 

The roots are basically engulfing this temple.  

I took a million pictures *see link to the right or my facebook* and loved the contrast between the dark stone, the green moss, and the tree roots. It was breathtaking. 

We spent a long time there and then decided to head back and rest from our long day. We stopped for lunch and then made it back to our comfy beds and had a nice long nap. After resting, we made our way back to the night market and participated in our very first fish pedicure. 

You know.

The tubs of water that have a million little fish swimming around and you stick your feet in there and they all swarm to your feet and eat the dead skin off?

Yeah.

That's the one. 

It was $2 for 15 minutes.

And it was crazy.

It was the weirdest feeling ever and I can't describe it. 

We laughed and squealed the whole time.

Then we headed inside and got a foot massage, back massage, and pedicure.

All for $5. 

I love the prices here.

We shopped around some more and further depleted our money supply. We realized it was 9:00 pm and decided that we should eat dinner so we stopped at a food truck that made gyros. They were AMAZING and I probably could have eaten 15. 

Seriously.

We made it back to the hotel and somehow climbed the stairs to our room. Exhaustion took over and climbing into bed never felt so good. 

As I was observing the temples today, I had a revelation.

Surprise right?

I can't move mountains. 

I cannot physically push a mountain 3 feet to left.

I can't wake up and change the world.

I can't go to a different country and change it all. 

But.

I can wake up and pray for wisdom. I can ask for and grow in a faith that can move mountains. I can ask for patience and gentleness. I can go to a different country and show people how much God loves them. I can be one small light. 

And that is enough.

I am enough.

The point is that I can't do anything by myself. 

But when I ask for help, pray for guidance, and accept direction, that's when things begin to happen. That's when mountains start moving.

That's when walls fall down. 

I thought I could go out and change the world. 

That's always been my goal.

I wanted to be able to say:

Look at me! 

I changed the world!

Wrong. 

I can go out. 

I can be used as a vessel.

I can be used to make a difference.

But it's not my doing.

It's not about me at all. 

God changes the world by using His people. 

God illuminates the darkness through His children.

God moves mountains.

And he crumbles temples. 

Man can build beautiful things.

Kingdoms.

Empires.

Temples.

Man can also build himself up.

I am great.

I am rich.

I am successful.

I am God.

Well guess what folks.

Our God is greater.

Buildings weather away.

Roots destroy temples.

And He tears down.

He will humble you so fast, it isn't even funny.

Nothing lasts in this world. 

So all that to say.

I can't change the world by myself.

I shouldn't want to. 

But God can absolutely use me.

Yes, the temples were pretty awesome today.

But God is greater. 

He has revealed himself throughout history. 

He was present then.

He shows up daily.

And He will provide forever. 

Want proof?

Just look at the roots. 

And yes, that was in reference to the temples as well as history.

Love you guys and gals,

Cassie